Closet space I cherish dearly, clothes I've laundered, I see yearly
E'er I search both quick and furious until you can't see the floor
Piles I've prodded, slowly mapping, suddenly she's up from napping
As if I'm secretly wrapping, wrapping up her clothes once more
Tis such a nuisance this clutter, trapped behind this closet door
All of this, these clothes galore

I distinctly can remember, smitten by this weaker member
And there was someone yelling "Timber!" Fought, but love struck to the core
Eagle's wings but got the sparrow; quickly learn to walk the narrow
Got her hooks into this fellow, mellowed out for evermore
Still I care how overly laden seems the closets unkempt floor
Wrought with things she never wore

There are silken bags I'm certain, if thrown out would cause some hurtin'
Built it, filled it with her treasures, useless, still she would implore
Though we've had our fam'ly meeting, I'll impart, it bears repeating
Keep in mind how you are treating there is someone keeping score
Else your life will take a beating, keep it to a muted roar
Though this mess can't be ignored

Gradually my heart grew fonder of those clothes now hidden yonder
But my heart won't gladden till I pluck them from the closet floor
Saw her sleeping, I was peeping, can't go boldly, can't go leaping
And so lightly I was creeping, creeping while I heard her snore
Stepped on top of some upturned screw, now it's made my big toe sore
Blamed those things she's never wore!

Trying hard to make a clearing, hard to see with my eyes tearing
Stabbing pain but can't be vocal, so no french-type words I swore
So for silence I was chokin', though my toe was surely broken
And my sock in blood was soakin' wish my dirty work was o'er
So I vowed to save my bellow, till I sell to the thrift store
Stuff my wife has never wore

Sweaters from a school of learning, smocks that cry out "Low wage earning!"
Clothing that is used for wrapping, hankies that match no decor
Clothes that show off college status, clothes that claim her name is 'Gladys'
I don't know just what this frat is, but it comes with a brochure
She's got clothes that smell like spearmint, never saw such junk before
Stuff my wife has never wore

Dresses that the wind makes flutter, shorts embroidered with golfing putter
Leg warmers and dancer's leggings, like the ones that J. Beals wore
Claims these ones make her look fatter, these ones claim they're all that matter
These seem good for mixing batter, don't think I've seen these before
Not sure how she got these balanced, this one says "Come join the Corps!"
Stuff my wife has never wore

Bras that cause my heart reviling, baggy pants that keep on piling
Can't wear these ones since she tore 'em right before she left the store
Thigh high dress that's ripped and waiving, can't wear this, no need for saving
Dont' know what her thoughts were craving, buying things she knows I'd abhor
Tell me what the lowly game is, why this crap that I can't ignore
Stuff my wife has never wore

While I wallowed in this qaundary felt I'd air her dirty laundry,
I perchance some message gleaning, from her men in days of yore
And since I was stuck spring cleaning although could be quite demeaning
Ever thought with all her preening she has yet to dress the whore
Is this somewhere I should venture? Do I want to know the score?
Is this stuff she's never wore?