I got a sigmoidoscopy on Christmas
For three days I had not gone number two.
ER doc on call was likely most annoyed
So a rigid scope's what he decided to deploy.

I got a sigmoidoscopy on Christmas
Butt Docs like Santa Claus is known to do .
Go up in your flue and work magic on you
Access via the back door
Is what Docs are prone to do.

So there I am on Christmas morning
Butt cheeks in the air
Just imagine my surprise
When I took note of the size
Of what was slipped into my derrier.

I need a sigmoidoscopy Doc insists
Only a sigmoidoscopy would do
CTs, MRIs, can help with diagnoses
This doctor likes to use those sig-a-moid-o-scopeses
All I can say is,"Doc I love you too".

(Short Music Interlude)

Doc says my sigmoid is quite beaten up, so then
Seems it's done me no good to go vegetarian!

(Short Music Interlude)

There's lots of goop, in me, much foul fecal frommage
So they flushed it out of there with an ASS-tric lavage.

So there I am on Christmas morning
Deep in dark despair
Just imagine their surprise
When from me the feces flies
At me the dripping PO'd staff all glare.

I dared visit a hospital on Christmas
Twas not amongst the things I planned to do
Full of shit was I was the diagnosis
Cured with a bag of soap suds and a couple rubber hoses
And I lost not just one pants size, but two.