I am the very model of an epidemiologist.
I haven't spent years training to be your next pharmacologist.
My knowledge of statistics and detail is quite inspiring
And I will work for years so just forget about rehiring.
I consider this health unit an amazing opportunity
And I will strive to analyze the health of the community,
By using all the data and the relevant technology
I'll prove there's no one else more skilled in epidemiology!

She'll prove there's no one else more skilled in epidemiology;
She'll prove there's no one else more skilled in epidemiology;
She'll prove there's no one else more skilled in epidemi-demiology.

I saw your advertisement that so cunningly was meant to lure,
And I am not the kind to choose a concrete spot at Yonge and Bloor.
I recognize the benefits of life up north and I'll embrace
The beauty of North Bay with all its quality and open space.

She recognizes benefits of life up north and she'll embrace
The beauty of North Bay with all its quality and open space.

I will show you that I can be a good public health practitioner,
And won't behave as if I'd been appointed high commissioner,
The brilliance of my research will be labelled "undeniable"
And information I present will always be reliable.
You will quickly understand that I embody credibility,
My presence will inspire an atmosphere of great tranquility.
And when I give the data from the relevant technology,
You'll say there's no one else more skilled in epidemiology!

You'll say there's no one else more skilled in epidemiology!
You'll say there's no one else more skilled in epidemiology!
You'll say there's no one else more skilled in epidemi-demiology!

There's just one thing to clarify - a trait I simply must confess:
I do much better working in an area that is windowless.
So make a space for me that has four walls without a pane of glass,
I'd rather have fluorescence and I'll give the natural light a pass.

So make a space for her that has four walls without a pane of glass,
She'd rather have fluorescence and she'll give the natural light a pass.

I won't be asking you for things the budget can't accommodate.
If you can't buy supplies for me I'll be content to sit and wait.
The salary that you offer is too high; I'd like to work for less.
I'm happy just to know that I'll be able to reduce your stress.
And I'll put in extra time on weekends catching up on past reports.
I'll work each night to learn about the District's incidence of mort
-ality and morbidity and all of their chronology.
You'll see there's no one else more skilled in epidemiology.

You'll see there's no one else more skilled in epidemiology.
You'll see there's no one else more skilled in epidemiology.
You'll see there's no one else more skilled in epidemi-demiology.

Now you can take a breath, relax, and end your advertising spree.
Stop looking in the cradles of each medical university.
You've found the epi of your dreams; no longer must your search go on.
No, wait! I've changed my mind. They're looking for an epi in Saint John!

You've found the epi of your dreams; no longer must your search go on.
No, wait! She's changed her mind. They're looking for an epi in Saint John!