{ Mel }

I am the movie mogul you've seen bitch slapped in the recent news

They say I'm anti-Jewish; mate that's foolish—I said "HATE THE BLUES"

At first I thought the flacks were just a yakin' 'bout some racy tryst

My agent soon got word, I had mis-heard, they said "dumb RACIAL-ist"!


The Pat-ri-ot, Forever Young, The Bounty and What Women Want

For sure I'll NEVER see them on mar-quees or discs in Hebrew font

About my harsh invectives, I am fretting over past abuse

For hoards of Hebrew higher-ups harangue of roles I'm gonna lose!


{ the Spielberg, Katzen and Woody Allen Singers }

AND THIS BECAUSE HE'S "MADDER MAX' WHENEVER HE GETS ON THE BOOZE!
IT LOOKS LIKE MELL'LL TRY LIKE HELL TO FILL OUT JOHNNY WALKER'S SHOES!
OF GIBSON, NOLTE AND BIN LADIN, MELVIN HAS THE SHORTEST FUSE!


{ Mel }

On late night shows the satire flows and washes my career away

I'm hearing too that Malibu is "RE-thinking" Mel Gibson Day

In short, I was the pinnacle of hunky Aussie leading men

Now Jackman, Ledger, Crowe and Rush all say that I am "dead" to them


{ Australian Actor's Guild }

YES HE WAS ONCE A PINNACLE OF HANDSOME AUSSIE LEADING MEN!
NOW EVEN "DUNDEE" HOGAN AND "BOND" LAZENBY WON'T BE HIS FRIEND!


{ Mel }

I'm very well acquainted now with handcuffs and the booking crew

And understand how tech-nic'ly that I do NOT "own" Malibu

About Moonshadows, damn that bar; it got me drunk on bubbly grape

In effige I'll burn Cat Stevens' "Moonshadow" on 8-track tape


My life is Fox's grist and I'm "D-list" but there's still hope alive

Mel Brooks still may pick-up my new "schtick-UP" called Lethal Schleppin' Five

I phoned Tom Cruise, not just to schmooze but help me through my tabloid brawls

You know its bad when even Sci-en-tolo-gists won't take your calls!


{ Isaac Hayes Singers }

NOT FRIGGING JOHN TRAVOLTA, KIRSTEY ALLEY, PRESLEY OR LOU RAWLS!
OR KELLY PRESTON, KATIE HOLMES NOR JENNA ELFMAN HAD "THE BALLS"!
(AT LEAST WE UNDERSTAND WHY L.RON HUBBARD GAVE OUR MEL THE STALL!)


{ Mel }

In my defense, I'm still the mensch, who yammered Yiddish in his lines

Like, "Do you fee-el lucky, putz", from Schmutzy Harry (oops, not mine!)

In short, I was that paragon, of manly Aussie superstars

Now Jackman, Crow and Ledger say, we're wacky dude, but you're from MARS


{ Australian Actor's Guild }

YES HE WAS ONCE THE PINNACLE OF HUNKY AUSSIE SUPERSTARS
NOW EVEN OLLIE NEWTON JOHN'S AVOIDING ALL HIS MALI-BARS


{ Mel }

I hope that I, can roll back time and just go back to "wacky rich"

I'd even play that Darin gay with Kidman on the next Bewitched

I'm so contrite, Woo-dy, alright? I'll never a-gain use a phrase

Like "Yenta-viscious", "Hesbo-llicious", "sugar tits" or "Hamas Saves"


Beneath contempt, I'm so verklempt, and Oy, I've lost the will to fight

But I'll drive down to Rabbi town if you'll convert me by tonight

Then born anew, de-Cath-lic'd Jew, Wait! What the hell is this, a BRIS?

Ol' Hamlet, Braveheart, and Max knew--now so do I, Payback's' a bitch


{ Steven Spielberg, acapella }

YEAH,HAMLET, BRAVEHEART, MAX AND MELVIN ALL KNOW 'PAYBACK' IS A BITCH!
HE LOST HIS "LOX', MEL'S ORTHODOX, NO LONGER GOY HE MADE THE SWITCH!
BUT I DON'T THINK I'LL E'RR FORGIVE HIS KOOKY BIT OF KU KLUX KITSCH!


{ Mel }

And still each Jew in Malibu just stops and gives the evil eye

I think I'd better ask MJ just how he likes it in Dubai

And Mr. Spielberg—well, uh, sir--you've every reason to be pissed

But could you find it in your heart to put me back on Schindler's list?


{ Mel, reprise }

AND MR. SPIELBERG—WELL, UH, SIR--YOU'VE EVERY REASON TO BE PISSED
BUT COULD YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO CAST A NAZI ZIONIST?