I am the very model of a pedant quite grammatical,
I've information linguistic, semantic, and syntactical,
I know the "ing's" of gerunds, and their usages pragmatical
On Oxford comma omissions, I'm known to get drammatical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters quite rhetorical,
I understand the metaphors and symbols allegorical,
Of isomorphic relations I'm known to know a thing or three,
With many cheerful facts about their usage in song parody.

I'm good at counting syllables and matching up the emphases;
(Although it gives me flashbacks to resolving Lisp parentheses):
In short, in matters linguistic, semantic, and syntactical,
I am the very model of a pedant quite grammatical.

I've written epic parodies, when not suff'ring from writer's block;
I find the bestest muse can be a double stout or doppelbock,
I wrote a send-up of "The Raven" on a single IPA,
My spoofs of ev'ry Rush song are all noted in my resume;
I can spell out anagrams from the originating text on sight,
I know that "New York Times" can be reordered into "monkeys write"!
In fact, it would improve their rag to swap their staff with chimpanzees,
If nothing else, it would help to reduce their painful journalese.

I like to think a special place in hell awaits the people who
Confuse the use of "its" and "it's", or write "try and", and not "try to":
When "there" and "their" and "they're" confound, I tend to get fanatical,
I am the very model of a pedant quite grammatical.

In fact, when I see some asshat use two spaces post-period,
I fantasize about incentivizing him, ways myriad
To please conform to ev'ry norm of proper writing protocol
Your pronouns better not be vague, infinitives not split at all
When I have played with similes and all things analogical
When most of my best parodies lean to the scatalogical
In short, when I can list all prepositions alphabetical
You'll say a better grammar pedant must be hypothetical

For my literary knowledge, though I lean quite hard to hard sci-fi
I do expect adherence strict to grammar rules that underlie
To summarize, this grammar critic never takes sabbatical
I am the very model of a pedant quite grammatical.