I'm here to tell you all about the year two-thousand-seventeen
The White House got a man who is tremendous, wise and peachy-keen
I tried to keep the Muslims from coming to ev'ry port-of-call
But can't convince Mexicans to build solar panels for the wall
Flipped off Paris Agreement so that coal miners would still have jobs
And tried to stop Obama-Care but these GOP guys are slobs
(Kim Jung-Un) I'm building ICBMs and will test them out by nuking Guam...
[Guam?] [Ivanka: Protectorate] [Ours?] [Ivanka: Yes] [Ah...]
We'll answer back with fire and fury if you cause it any harm

(Guamanians) We never voted for him but he'll keep us safe from any harm
(Pence) They cannot vote for President; the folks you say are safe from harm
Well, why the hell would I protect those idiot non-voters there in Guam?!

(Wolf Blitzer) Millions at his inauguration? We have proof that number's wrong
Well, you're fake news; I'll stick with FOX except for Shepard; he's a dong
The point is that this country's great and it's all thanks to me, you've seen
I am the very best thing about the year twenty-seventeen
(Democrats) We wanted Hill to wreck the place but Trump is much faster, it seems
(Public) We're very shocked the world had lived through the year twenty-seventeen

(Narrator) An eclipse shadowed the nation
I think I'll stare into the sun
(Narrator) Neo-Nazis in Charlottesville
Fault can be found in everyone
(Narrator) A massive shooting in Sin City
Keep our guns; we'll be all right
(Narrator) A drive-by plowing through New York
Get his ass out; he isn't white!
(Weinstein) I've been accused of flashing girls and every male's a target now
He's innocent, like Moore and Spacey. Lauer and Franken? Guilty! Wow!
(Degrasse-Tyson) We found a bunch of Earth-sized planets; most should support life and men
[Planets?] [Ivanka: Like Earth] [Ours?] [Ivanka: No] [Ah-hah!]
Get corporations to those rocks to make those planets great again!

(NASA) We're glad you're back to funding us but we can't make them great again!
(Elon Musk) You heard the man! Build those rockets to make those planets great again!
(Richard F. Gordon) I'm glad I'm not around to give planets sponsors to make them "great again"!

(Putin) We had nothing to do with last year's overwhelming election
Yeah, you can trust this guy a lot; don't mind his Syr'an erection
You can ask Papadopoulos; his part in my rise, small it seems
It doesn't stop me from being the best from twenty-seventeen
(Robert Mueller) I'm working as fast as I can to clear out this whole smoky screen
(Robert Mueller) Don't curse me 'cause I didn't get him out in twenty-seventeen

(Narrator) We lost Hurt, Paxton, Tyler-Moore, Boothe, Cornell and Don Rickles, too
(Narrator) And Landau, Forsyth, Petty, Snuka, Stephen Furst and Jerry Lew (Lewis: LAY-DEE!)
(Narrator) And Gregg Allman and Adam West and Roger Moore as James Bond...
LAME!
They weren't helping my cause...oh, wait, Batman's dead?! Aw, that's a shame.
(Narrator) Two hurricanes hit P.R., Houston; ethnic war in Myanmar
(Narrator) And earthquakes rocked up Mexico and ransomware strikes near and far
(Narrator) And temps are rising ev'rywhere; we're wearing shorts in September...
[All that?] [Ivanka: Yes] [This year?!] [Ivanka: This year] [Hmm...what do you know? Well, in that case...]
This shows how great a guy I am; the bestest you can remember!

(Previous POTUSes) We can think of many a man who will be better remembered
(William Henry Harrison) Hell, I died after thirty days, but I'LL be better remembered
(Obama) Let's hope this guy does nothing worse and then move on and won't be remembered

Excuse me, I must push my plan to tax the poor and feed the rich
(Hillary) You'll add to the debt by a trillion
Go back to the woods, you b**ch!
I'm only getting started; the next seven years will be a dream
I made the whole damn world tremendous here in twenty-seventeen!
(Public) If next year's at all like the last, we're praying this is all a dream!
(Public) Don't think we can handle one more like the year twenty-seventeen!