Dialogue 19


[ THE LIGHTS DIM AS THE PIRATES AND LEWD SUBMITTERS LEAVE THE STAGE. ONLY JD, STUEY POO AND DEE REMAIN, AND THEY WALK ACROSS STAGE ]


MAJOR-GENERAL JOHNNY D.
I command you, Colonel Dee Range, to round up the pathetically star-struck Lewd Submitters – but make sure you catch Willie Tit-Swallow, for I fear he may have escaped.


[ DEE RANGE RUSHES OFF ]


STUEY POO
Gee, I had my doubts about that "Victoria's Secret" strategy of yours, Major-General Johnny D, but again you have proven to be a master strategist.


MAJOR-GENERAL JOHNNY D.
Alas, our fight is not over until we capture Willie Tit-Swallow and reveal his true identity. For until we destroy the root of all evil, Stuey Poo, I fear the evil may mutate and in another form reappear. For evil can reappear in the unlikeliest form at the unlikeliest time


STUEY POO
Wow, a master strategist and a wise philosopher, JD – you are ON fire, dude!

[ DEE RANGE RETURNS AND JOINS STUEY POO AND JOHNNY D ]


STUEY POO
Crikey, Dee, that was fast. I'm beyond impressed, which is a big statement after just spending a day with Johnny D – and what news do you bring from the battlefield?


DEE RANGE
Not news, Stuey Poo, but a story – nay, an amazing tale, that a POW has just recounted for me


STUEY POO
Well, go on Dee, spill the beans.


DEE RANGE
It seems this particular POW met and befriended Willie Tit-Swallow when he was first evicted from AmIRight, and they used to write together. And this is his story about one particular conversation they once shared



SONG 20
Click on the Original Song and then its MIDI (song starts after a 5-second intro):
"Willow Tit Willow"

Parody by Dee Range
:
"Will-he Tit-swallow-Spit-swallow"


DEE RANGE
With the glee of a pervert, a little dimwit
would write Will-he Tit-swallow-Spit-swallow
And I asked of him, "Will-he, why do you submit
Using Willie-Tit-swallow Spit-swallow
Is it lewdness or just Tourettes, Willie?" I asked
That you write about porn to get Chucky Aghast?
He just flipped me the finger, returned to his task
Did Will-he Tit-swallow-Spit-swallow

"He lapped at her breast as she sat on the bed,
wond-ring, Will-he tit swallow my yabos?
And with bold desperation she fondles his head
Oh, will she, he wonders, spit/swallow?
She bobbed and he sighed, with a gargle she spits
As he purged himself be-tween her willowy lips
And a bellow arose as her incisors nip"
Wrote Will-he Tit-swallow Spit-Swallow

Now I felt I could cure such lewdness with a change
From old Will-he Tit-swallow Spit/Swallow
With his Porno affliction I'll call him DEE RANGE!

[ STUEY POO AND JOHNNY D. STAND AND GASP, AS DEE RANGE DRAWS HIS SWORD AND PREPARES TO SLAY THEM BOTH - BUT FIRST HE FINISHES HIS PARODY]

.not Will-he Tit-swallow Spit/Swallow!
But if you remove phallus, will Tourette's then DIE?
Will GARISH and FETID just now become SLY!
"Oh, I DOUBT if it will!" - I exclaimed with a CRY!
I AM WILL-HE TIT-SWALLOW SPIT/SWALLOW!!!



Dialogue 20


[ STU AUDIENCE-TESTS 6 DIFFERENT ENDINGS, AND NARROWS IT DOWN TO 2: THE HOLLYWOOD-PSYCHO-DRAMA-ENDING OR THE SCOOBY-DOO-ENDING. HE DECIDES ON THE FORMER ]


STUEY POO
What the? But, but, Dee, I've been such a loyal friend to you.


DEE RANGE
You mean a good information-source, my man


MAJOR-GENERAL JOHNNY D.
AHA! - so it was YOU who was informing and forewarning YOURSELF about our battle plans?


DEE RANGE
yeah, um DUHHHHH! But before I slay you both, I will take a minute to reveal the inner complex workings of my psyche. My lewdness all started when I was banished from AmIRight for the Great Vote Deletion, yet I was totally innocent of the crime. Innocent I tells ya.


STUEY POO
Yeah - I kinda thought so


DEE RANGE
(incredulous)
WHAT? You DO?


STUEY POO
Yeah, well the server had been crashing a bit that week, and Kristof had been getting stuck into the bottle after being sacked by ChuckyG for not writing a Kris Kristofferson parody, so his evidence was hardly what you'd call reliable, so I never really believed it was you Willie, er, Dee.


DEE RANGE
Well! Well that makes a huge difference to my perspective. All I've ever really wanted was to be understood. And maybe loved a little. And bonked a bit.


STUEY POO
Yeah, I understand, mate. But anyway, do what you have to do, Dee Range. You've won this battle fair and square. Major-General Johnny D and I are prepared to die in the name of AmIRight, aren't we, Major-General Johnny D?


MAJOR-GENERAL JOHNNY D.
Pip Pip, Stuey Poo! Too right! I want Willie's powerful throbbing sword thrust between my ribs like a shiny silver phallus, penetrating my heart and allowing the pure goodness of that throbbing organ to ejaculate up through his firm rigid weapon, thereby transforming it into a shaft of righteousness. An honourable death, to be talked about for generations to come, by Luke, Emi, Charlie, the Hilary-H8er.


DEE RANGE
(interrupting)
yeah yeah, JD, but I dunno now. Now that Stuey Poo's empathised with my plight, it's kinda like my anger's lost its edge or somethin, and I don't feel like killing any more or somethin. Or lewd submitting neither, come to think of it. I guess all my anger and lewd submitting was just a pathetic cry for help, Stuey Poo..


STUEY POO
Well what say we each blow the head off a pint of ale, and forget it happened. After all, I'm busting for a quick ending


DEE RANGE
Great idea Stuey Poo.




END