[instrumental intro]

I.
(REPLACEMENT-WANNABE)
I am the perfect pitchman to vend Vitameatavegamin![1]
It’s always been the anchor of my dietary regimen
for, like the tonic sold by Donizetti’s operatical
flimflammer, Dulcamara[2], its effect’s panaceatical.
With vitamins and minerals (like One-A-Day®, “From A to zinc”)
plus fish and poultry and red meats (in doneness shades from gray to pink),
and veggies, this elixer is a fixer that has all it takes
to ease whatever ails one from the lovelorn blues to palsy shakes.

(STAGE CREW)
to ease whatever ails one from the lovelorn blues to palsy shakes.
to ease whatever ails one from the lovelorn blues to palsy shakes.
to ease whatever ails one from the lovelorn blues to palsy shakes.

(REPLACEMENT-WANNABE)
That redhead chick’s a poorer pick than I to sell this pick-me-up --
she merely fancies TV fame; I drink it by the Dixie Cup®.
In short, as a believer in its benefits alleged (Amen!)
I am the perfect pitchman to vend Vitameatavegemin

(STAGE CREW)
In short, as a believer in its benefits alleged (Amen!)
he is the perfect pitchman to vend Vitameatavegemin

II.
(REPLACEMENT-WANNABE)
Tho’ sniffed it’s less evocative of oenophilic rhapsodies
than of the exhalations of some wino who on schnapps ODs
and tastes by spoonfuls offal-awful, if a taker swigs a dose
he’ll note its nastiness abates as he downs five or six of those.
And tho’ a quarter alcohol, it’s hardly a mere boozer’s swill:
that ethanol effects an antimicrobe action users will
find disinfects their plumbing (in a sense that’s metaphorical) --
a usage winking witty wags have drolly dubbed “liquorical.”

(STAGE CREW)
a usage winking witty wags have drolly dubbed “liquorical.”
a usage winking witty wags have drolly dubbed “liquorical.”
a usage winking witty wags have drolly dubbed “liquorical.”


(REPLACEMENT-WANNABE)
[3] As sack-time somnifacient or as A. M. analeptic it’s
unmatched. It should a staple be in doctors’ antiseptic kits.
In short, re: its effectiveness I haven’t cause to hedge or spin,
so I’m the perfect pitchman to vend Vitameatavegamin.

(STAGE CREW)
In short, re: its effectiveness he hasn’t cause to hedge or spin,
so he’s the perfect pitchman to vend Vitameatavegamin.

III
(REPLACEMENT-WANNABE)
In fact, when I perfect the product plug in just a try or two,
sidestep the sipping spieler’s slide from tipsiness to high or stewed,
enumerate its uses e’re intoxication addles me
and ballyhoo its benefits before I’m buzzed, how glad I’ll be!
When I can name this nostrum’s boons (a myriad variety)
and catalog all ills it cures ahead of insobriety--
in short, when promo pattering’s performed while words shtill flow unshlurred
you’ll shay a better booshter for your braysher you bet no one’sh heard.

(STAGE CREW)
you’ll say a better booster for your bracer you bet no one’s heard.
you’ll say a better booster for your bracer you bet no one’s heard.
you’ll say a better booster for your bracer you bet no one’s heard.

(REPLACEMENT-WANNABE)
Ish sho that ash I ship to shell I shlip t’ward incapashity
and quaffing thish catholicon with ever more vorashity.
but even when ish pushed me pasht inebriation'shedge again,
I am the perfect pishman to push Vitameatavegamin.

(STAGE CREW)
Yes, even when it’s pushed him past inebriation’s edge again,
he is the perfect pitchman to vend Vitameatavegamin.

[instrumental outro]