Dialogue 18


JOHN A. BARRY
Should we attack, Willie?


WILLIE TIT-SWALLOW
No, that's just what they're expecting us to do.


STUEY POO
Will they attack, Major-General Johnny D?


MAJOR-GENERAL JOHNNY D.
No that's just what they're expecting us to expect that they will do.


STUEY POO
Wow, you're such a master strategist, Major-General Johnny D!


WILLIE TIT-SWALLOW
Get ready to attack!


JOHN A. BARRY
But you just said.


WILLIE TIT-SWALLOW
Ah no, I said just what you were expecting me to say - Bwahahaha!!!


[ ON THE OTHER SIDE STUEY POO COMES IN CLOSE TO JOHNNY D ]


STUEY POO
What now, Master Strategist Major-General Johnny D


MAJOR-GENERAL JOHNNY D.
Block your ears, Stuey-Poo, for what you are about to hear may not be pleasant.


[MAJOR-GENERAL JOHNNY D STARTS SINGING "SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS" AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE. THE PIRATES WHO PENSTANZAS START ARRIVING ON SCENE TO SEE WHAT THE NOISE IS ABOUT ]



SONG 19
Click on the Original Song and then its MIDI (song starts after a 4-MINUTE intro):
"Battle Song - part of the Finale to P of P"

Parody by Johnny D

"Battle Of AmIRight"


PIRATES WHO PENSTANZAS
Now what is this, and what is that, and why does General Johnny sing
At such a time of night as this, about Chuck-y, our stalwart King?

Sir Johnny is, and always was, the most laconical a man!
It's his invariable rule to sing as little as he can!

What strange occurrence can it be that calls Sir Johnny now to sing
At such a time of night as this, about Chuck-y, our stalwart King?

About Chuck-y our stalward King,
At such a time of night?


[ THE LEWD SUBMITTERS SPRING FROM THEIR HIDING-PLACE AND KNOCK DOWN THE WALLS OF COMPUTERS ]


WILLIE TIT-SWALLOW
Forward, perverts, and seize that General there, before he can sing another note of that over-done opus!


[ THEY SEIZE MAJOR-GENERAL JOHNNY D ]


PIRATES WHO PENSTANZAS
The perverts! The perverts! Oh, despair!


LEWD SUBMITTERS
Yes, we're the perverts, so despair!


MAJOR-GENERAL JOHNNY D.
Rodderdick, here! Oh, joy! Oh, rapture!
Summon your men and effect their capture!


WILLIE TIT-SWALLOW
(sarcastically)
Rodderdick, save us!


RODDERDICK
Dutiful Pirates,
My gun's made of wood -- alas, cannot fire it !


LEWD SUBMITTERS
He's telling the truth, he cannot fire it !


WILLIE TIT-SWALLOW
With base conceit,
You jerked us 'round, we're reeling!

Revenge is sweet,
A pornographic feeling!

With New-Age flair,
And music played by Yanni,

For death prepare,
Unhappy General Johnny!


MAJOR-GENERAL JOHNNY D.
Am I to die, unshaven, unshampooed?


PIRATES WHO PENSTANZAS
Oh, spare him!


MAJOR-GENERAL JOHNNY D.
Is no one here in save-a-Johnny mood?


PIRATES WHO PENSTANZAS
Oh, spare him!


[ STUEY POO'S SQUADRON LEAP FROM BEHIND THEIR ROCKS ]


STUEY POO'S SQUADRON
(waving chop-sticks menacingly)
Yes, we are here, with take-out Chinese food!


PIRATES WHO PENSTANZAS
Oh, rapture!


STUEY POO'S SQUADRON
FIGHT
LEWD
VOCABULARY!
FIGHT LIKE PRUDES!


[ A STRUGGLE ENSUES BETWEEN THE LEWD SUBMITTERS AND STUEY POO'S SQUADRON. EVENTUALLY STUEY POO'S SQUADRON IS OVERCOME AND FALLS PROSTRATE, THE LEWD SUBMITTERS STANDING OVER THEM WITH PDAS, POCKET PC'S AND BLACKBERRIES ]


LEWD SUBMITTERS & STUEY POO'S SQUADRON
We/You triumph now, 'tis time to bow,
Your/Our on-line ca-reer's cut short;
No pervert-band will take its stand
At the Cen-tral Pro-ces-sing Court!


STUEY POO
To gain a brief advantage you've contrived,
But your proud triumph will not be long-lived!


WILLIE TIT-SWALLOW
Don't say you are newbies, for we know that game!


STUEY POO
On your obsession we've a stronger claim –-
We charge you yield, we charge you yield,
In Victoria's Secret's name!


WILLIE TIT-SWALLOW
You do?


STUEY POO'S SQUADRON
We do!
We charge you yield,
In Victoria's Secret's name!


[ STUEY-POO'S SOLDIERS LEAP TO THEIR FEET AND STRIP OFF THEIR UNIFORMS WHICH HAD BEEN CUNNINGLY VELCROED TOGETHER – AND EACH OF THEM IS REVEALED TO BE DRESSED IN DRAG IN VICTORIA'S SECRET TEDDIE'S AND CAMISOLES. THE LEWD SUBMITTERS COLLAPSE TO THEIR KNEES AT THE GLORIOUS SIGHT ]


WILLIE TIT-SWALLOW
We yield at once, with humbled mien,
Because, with all our faults, we love Drag Queens!


STUEY POO'S SQUADRON
Yes, yes, with all their faults, they love Drag Queens!


ALL
Yes, yes, with all their faults, they love Drag Queens!


[ STUEY-POOS SQUADRON, TAKE AND HOLD THEIR CAPTIVES ]


MAJOR-GENERAL JOHNNY D.
Away with them, to the Drag Queen Bar!