Your neighbor grills pork chops out in his backyard
See his daughter in her cut-offs and your wee-wee gets hard
His wife drives a minivan, his son chugs a beer
His brother came out of the closet--he's queer

Allah is watching and he's getting mad
So you think it is time to go on a jihad
Say good-bye to your dad and good-bye to your mom
Then light up the fuse of that suicide bomb

Why not hurry back home to Ragheadistan
Hijack an airplane, travel fast as you can
Bugger a camel and beat up a Jew
That's just what Muhammed would want you to do

Here in the Great Satan temptation abounds
The airwaves polluted with rock and roll sounds
Young girls, unescorted, go out by themselves
There's uncensored porn on the video shelves

So you made up your mind to go out like a man
In a blue blaze of glory, an explosives-filled van
Just push that red button and that's all she wrote
With "Allahu akbar!" screeching out of your throat

Then you'll be a big hero in Ragheadistan
On the six o'clock news from Beirut to Tehran
The envy of those who wish they'd done it, too
Those virgins await you, all seventy-two

The reward of the Martyr is yours now at last
No more hunger or thirst, no more Ramadan fast
Those tales you've been told from the day of your birth
Enjoying the pleasures forbidden on earth

That face looks familiar, from the one-dollar bill
It's President Washington, looking to kill
He punches your jaw and as you're falling fast
There's President Jefferson, kicking your ass

And Robert E. Lee, the great general in gray
Puts a sword to your throat, says "Go ahead, make my day"!
James Madison hits you and you lose your breath
Patrick Henry takes the liberty of giving you death

That Koran you've been reading got a verse or two wrong
Those virgins? Virginians--who knew all along?
America's founders, the Red, White and Blue
You mess with the best, they'll be waiting for you

There's a lesson to learn and you'd best learn it well
Stay away from the land where the Infidels dwell
Things will be a lot better if all of you went
Where the he-goats are nervous and your wives wear a tent