Hark, the next-door neighbours fight.
They’ve been at it half the night.
Dad’s unconscious in his chair.
Thirteen whiskeys put him there.
Mum wraps gifts for the relations.
Out of tape and out of patience.
‘Mongst the underwear and socks.
Swallowing valium by the box.
Hark, the next-door neighbours fight.
And they’ll go on till morning light.

Hear the carols sung with joy
From the mouths of girl and boy.
A happier scene you’ll never see.
Shame its only on TV.
In real life the house is silent.
While next door it’s getting violent.
And the screams could very soon
Drown out the TVs festive tune.
Hear the carols sung with joy.
At least those few that don’t annoy.

People spreading yuletide cheer,
We’ve all had it up to here.
At family dinners, tensions bud.
And by dessert they’re spilling blood.
Hearing one more cheesy toast’ll
Send us absolutely postal.
All traditions fray the nerves,
Regardless of which your church observes.
People spreading yuletide cheer.
Thank God it’s only once a year!