(Prologue: Partially spoken and partially sung)
(Old Man Ribber enters and begins)
Good - Morning!
Can I speak to a salesman here? Some service, please!
I'm a man with some trouble here
And I've got a problem that's really big.
This might seem a trifle odd.
I'm a trombone man named Todd,
And I need to get my horn fixed before my weekend gig.

Harrr....rummmmffff!

It's fact my friend - that you can't play a trombone
If you've got lots of nicks in your moving slide.
Rah OUCH, ah rah dah dah dah. Rah ah OUCH!
Imagine, my friend, when you try to play Dixieland and get in your grove
And you horn just will not move.
You've got a streak of woe that's a hundred miles wide.

Oh a reconditioning's what I need,
Perhaps a new coat of that lacquer,
And I'm needing to check out the linkage
So the air won't leak when I play.
For the tone sounds like some wounded ducks.
Do it in a hurry. I'll pay big bucks.
See if you can have it done by tomorrow -
If not I'll take it by the second day.

Third day - at the - latest - please!

Then I'll play the high notes of Tommy Dorsey,
Old Jack Teegarden's fine technique,
And the gliss of Kid Ory - Rah ah rah!
For I'll be set to to try the songs that the masters played:
Glen Miller, Bill Watrous, Frank Rosalino, all the beeboppers, and great J.J. Johnson
All rolled in one on my newly cleaned refurbished horn!



(Song, sung in time by the music store salesman)
Say, do we fix trombones in this music store?
Or do we have to send this out to the shop?
I don't think that we have the tool
For a slide that will not pull
Or a cork that goes drippity-drop.
Say do we fix trombones? Never tried before!
I don't think we can get those dings off the bell.
I can see you've a broken brace
In a most peculiar place.
But I've got a brand new 'bone to sell.

(Music store employees join in)
We restring guitars and violins here - while you wait.
All the time. Sometimes I'm - doing twelve a day.
We repad your woodwinds and our work is great,
Up to date - so that your sax will play.
If your amplifier's on the fritz - we'll fix it too.
Just like new, all you do - call us on the phone.
We have drumheads, you can bet.
We can recork your clarinet,
But we cannot fix your damn trombone.


(Instrumental interlude)


We do not fix trombones. it's an awful chore.
We suggest that you see our plumber named Bob.
Better yet, lay aside your 'bone And take up the saxophone.
It's the only way you'll get a job!