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Song Parodies -> "Army Wants "Iron Man" Suit"

Original Song Title:

"I Put a Spell on You"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Screamin' Jay Hawkins

Parody Song Title:

"Army Wants "Iron Man" Suit"

Parody Written by:

Robert D. Arndt Jr.

The Lyrics

I find this latest Army news baffling as the US has NOT been able to develop simple advanced future warrior gear for over 3 decades and cannot even field a decent ACR from Colt, Bushmaster, nor Remington! The German Heer fielded the first supersoldiers in the Balkans in 1999 with their IDZ program and now have progressed to Phase II which is known as Gladious. Their idea is a fully-integrated electronic-warfare aerospace soldier that can communicate with ALL German land, air, and sea weapons. The US Army having seen the "Iron Man" movies from Marvel want their own version called TALOS (Tactical Assault Light Operator Suit) for SOCOM forces! The suit would be bulletproof (OK, made of titanium/vandium/+ whatever) but would add massive weight. Then they want bionics too for it to be mobile- riiiiiiight!!! In addition, it has to have state-of-the-art displays linked to Milsats and drones constantly updating. And then there are new weapon systems (perhaps some dazzlers, a new gun system, caseless maybe?) plus internal powerplant AND an internal O2 supply!!! This is ridiculous to sacrifice mobility for a pillbox suit! The Germans want to move faster and integrate using computers with modular armor, advanced sight systems, simple advanced versions of the G-36 with linkage, and backing with ACRs (Autonomous Combat Robots) in many forms. Now THAT makes sense on a fluidic battlefield. The TALOS Suit is a slow-moving, dependent system vunerable to a range of conventional weapons like mines, flame, .50 cals that could wreck the internal electronic display by sheer KE. I think a simple RPG hit would also take this thing out or compromise its internals. It also makes the soldier dependent on drones overhead to scout and relay info. German soldiers will do the opposite and order any German weapon system manned or unmanned to attack on their command and if the first platform fails then the secondary will be called into action, then the third, and so on. Real-time battlefield assessment will be passed along to the Bundeswehr though advanced visuals with holomorphic displays. The US Army is seeking help from academia, industry, and British BAe. Good luck on that.
Army wants “Iron Man” suit
lost their minds!

“Future Warrior” gives way to suit
Movie watchin’
It got brass talkin’

The labs can’t handle it
Design isn’t sound
Want it to be deadly
Soldier encased in 200 lbs!!!

[Metallurgy, weaponry- in doubt]

Army wants “Iron Man” suit
They lost their minds
This time

Bulletproof
Needs HOD* too
Things to prove
All in one neat package
Tech isn’t there
Nor the energy
Excess “baggage”

[Built for bragging]

Lunacy
Army wants “Iron Man” suit
They lost their minds
(seeking help from BAe)
*HOD= Head-On Display

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 12

Voting Breakdown

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User Comments

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Patrick - November 02, 2013 - Report this comment
Unfortunately, our best soldiers will continue to carry tons of equipment to battle with primitive men dressed in rags, carrying simple Kalashnikov rifles. Tactical superiority on the battlefield will be defeated by political ineptitude in Washington, DC.
Rob Arndt - November 02, 2013 - Report this comment
It would make more sense to produce real UCAVs (dedicated) or armed drones (non-bay RC craft with Hellfires) than to invest in an "Iron Man" suit. That is overkill and inadequate in most climes. It means the soldier is trapped in an armored target just like any other AFV. Even a militant child with a Molotov could take one out. I saw some artist renderings and the powerplant is on the back with open air intake and exhaust venting!!! WTF??? I also saw some of the new Russian Supersoldier gear and they also prefer lighter and with more firepower. Their vision equipment for 8th Gen is mounted onto a mask that slides down from the helmet- weird. The body armor is modular and their new 15mm cannon can be fired in the upright position b/c it has a massive recoil tube and buffer system for the operator. It looks like it weighs 30+ lbs though and the Russians are producing a wood synthetic frame and added telescopic bipod. The railing is long up top with scope to the rear just before the stock. The front and under railings place the designators and light systems together underneath, grouped. Also weird. Btw Patrick, the An-94 has failed to replace the AK-100 series and so now the Russians have a new AKX with massive suppressor up front, integrated 4x scope with electronic screening, dazzler attachment points, not railings, new synthetic framework, redesigned swinging stock and pistol grip, and 40 rd mags standard (there are also 50 and 60 rd types for SP Ops)!!!
Rob Arndt - November 03, 2013 - Report this comment
Forgot to mention that the TALOS suit has been officially ordered. The prototype suit must be complete within 12 mos! And this coming from the US Army that is also under Sequestration and cut-backs which means it cannot even provide basic new small arms for CQB to its troops- no AAS-12 auto-shotgun, no Kriss Vector .45 SMG, no new ACR (Congress killed the German HK XM-08 in 2006). It is interesting that the Germans simply added 2 new rifles to the ACR competition- the 5.56mm HK-416 and the 7.62mm HK-417 with a variant becoming a sniping rifle now on order from the US Army!!! And to top it off the Germans have the new MG-4 LMG, advanced versions of the G-36, new HK G-28 sniper, and redesigned HK GLs as lower component of the G-36. Thier new ACR is a plasma rifle through Rheimetall AG. HK is also revisiting caseless again while Mauser is adapting its BK-27 aircraft cannon to naval duties. The latest Wiesel mini-tanks are getting 30mm recoilless weapons and the Puma IFV will be getting a high velocity 40mm in the future while the future Leopards already have a 140mm gun in reserve!
Callmelennie - November 03, 2013 - Report this comment
Glisenti of no use; Was HAND MINE!!
Callmelennie - November 03, 2013 - Report this comment
Huh? ... Who? .... Wha- .... Whe ... Wow, just had the weirdest dream that I was Screaming Jay Hawkins and I was singing about a cheap Italian rip-off of the German Luger ... Weird stuff, Ed
Rob Arndt - November 03, 2013 - Report this comment
CML, how 'bout this SKS pistol:
http://www.hunt101.com/data/500/medium/P5160103_SKS_pistol.JPG
Patrick - November 04, 2013 - Report this comment
The other day a fellow told me there is a phone app that allows a hunter to compensate for local temperature, humidity, and even the rotation of the earth as he fires a bullet at an elk a couple hundred yards away. The military probably has some version of this at half the effectiveness and 10 times the price.

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