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Song Parodies -> "Fluorescents: Health Is Screwed (Get Congress' Hands Off Our Bulbs!)"

Original Song Title:

"I Put A Spell On You"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Screamin' Jay Hawkins

Parody Song Title:

"Fluorescents: Health Is Screwed (Get Congress' Hands Off Our Bulbs!)"

Parody Written by:

Thomas A. Edison

The Lyrics

Associated Press, Tuesday July 12, 2011 -- WASHINGTON (AP) -- "House Republicans on Tuesday failed to stop the enactment of new energy-saving standards for light bulbs they portrayed as yet another example of big government interfering in people's lives." (which in effect mandate fluorescent light)

"As of Jan. 1, 2012, inefficient 100-watt bulbs will no longer be available at most stores. Also on the way out are traditional 75-watt bulbs in 2013 and 40-watt and 60-watt versions in 2014." (Anyone out there with less-than-perfect vision?)

"The White House says the standards drive U.S. innovation, create manufacturing jobs and reduce harmful greenhouse gas emissions." Yeah? See the part below about where the jobs go, and how even more harmful toxins are released. "CFL" = Compact Fluorescent Bulbs, those expensive, screwy-shaped things that are supposed to replace your current 45-cent light bulbs. The shape isn't the only thing that's screwy.

Patterned after these OS lyrics.


Old-fashioned light bulbs do
So very fine

Congress screws with you:
(The light bulbs, you buy) Now they're pryin'

Fluorescent light:
Too much UV found
Old ones: blight
Can't put in the ground
Leak toxic mercury
Idea, not so profound

[instrumental - POTUS thumps his chest about our "energy-wasting" light bulbs while flying his kids around the world in his private 747; has near-mid-air collision with Al Gore's private jet en route to global warming conference; Congress produces enough hot air to heat the entire planet for this winter, but digs us deeper into debt day by day; unfortunately, their "discussions" produce more heat than light.]

Pols: To Hell with you
(Just ST-FU): What I'm buyin'
A rubber glove: you
I'll shove you
Thereof, I won't allow:
Interfere
Your laws, they haunt me
You're wh*res, and how!
There's such a smell on you!
Own business, mind!
(Some - )
(- Dumb -)
(- Bums!)
(Arrrghhh!)




Compact Fluorescent Lamps (CFL), like all fluorescent lamps, contain mercury vapor inside the glass tubing.

Broken bulbs:
Special handling instructions for breakage are currently /not/ printed on the packaging of household CFL bulbs in many countries.

A study by the State of Maine also confirmed that, despite following EPA best-practice cleanup guidelines on broken CFLs, researchers were unable to remove mercury from carpet, and agitation of the carpet — such as by young children playing — created localized concentrations as high as 25,000 ng/m3 in air close to the carpet, even weeks after the initial breakage. (Mercury causes almost-irreversible nerve and brain damage. The saying, "Mad as a Hatter" arose because mercury was pressed into hat brims to make them hold their shape.)


Because mercury is poisonous, even these small amounts are a concern for landfills and waste incinerators where the mercury from lamps may be released and contribute to air and water pollution.

It is unlawful to dispose of fluorescent bulbs as universal waste in the states of California, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio, and Wisconsin. In the European Union, CFLs are one of many products subject to the WEEE recycling scheme. The retail price includes an amount to pay for recycling, and manufacturers and importers have an obligation to collect and recycle CFLs. Safe disposal requires storing the bulbs unbroken until they can be processed

U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) recommends that, in the absence of local guidelines, fluorescent bulbs be double-bagged in plastic before disposal. The Maine DEP study of 2008 compared clean-up methods, and warned that the EPA recommendation of plastic bags was the worst choice, as vapors well above safe levels continued to leach from the bags. The Maine DEP now recommends a sealed glass jar as the best repository for a broken bulb.

A sealed glass jar? Now, there's an idea! Take a sealed glass jar, suck all the air out of it, and put an ordinary, non-toxic filament in it, that lights up when power is applied! ... I invented this in 1879, d'oh.

In the past decade, hundreds of Chinese factory workers who manufacture CFLs for export to first world countries were being poisoned and hospitalized because of mercury exposure. Examples include workers at the Nanhai Feiyang lighting factory in Foshan, where 68 out of 72 were so badly poisoned that they required hospitalization. At another CFL factory in Jinzhou, 121 out of 123 employees were found to have excessive mercury levels, with one employee's mercury level 150 times the accepted standard.

Hey, who said outsourcing jobs to China is a bad thing, huh? Let *them* pay the price for the Al Gores of the world! ... but as far as the quote in the intro, ""The White House says the standards ... create manufacturing jobs ... " Is this the kind we want to create here?


CFLs give off less heat, saving air-conditioning costs in *hot* climates. But...

In some places, such as Quebec and British Columbia, central heating for homes is provided by the burning of natural gas, whereas electricity is primarily provided by hydroelectric or nuclear power. In such areas, heat generated by conventional electric light bulbs significantly reduces the release of greenhouse gases from the natural gas. A study estimates that "If all homes in Quebec were required to switch from (incandescent) bulbs to CFLs, there would be a increase of almost 220,000 tonnes in CO2 emissions in the province, equivalent to the annual emissions from more than 40,000 automobiles."


An August 2009 newspaper report described that some manufacturers claim the CFL replaces a higher wattage incandescent lamp than justified by the light produced by the CFL. ... If the facts don't fit your opinion, change the facts. If they don't support your marketing, lie.


Some CFLs are labelled not to be run base-up, since heat will shorten the ballast's life. Such CFLs are unsuitable for use in pendant lamps and especially unsuitable for recessed light fixtures. Special CFLs for use in such fixtures are available.

Nocturnal exposure to light in the short wavelength ranges (below 530 nm) generated by some fluorescent lamps may interfere with mammalian circadian rhythms due to its suppressing effect on melatonin production. Suppression of melatonin has been linked to cancer in some studies.

Fluorescent lamps with magnetic ballasts flicker at a normally unnoticeable frequency of 100 or 120 hertz and this flickering can cause problems for some individuals with light sensitivity; they are listed as problematic for some individuals with autism, epilepsy, lupus, chronic fatigue syndrome, Lyme disease, and vertigo.

The normally unnoticeable 100–120 Hz flicker from fluorescent tubes powered by electromagnetic ballasts are associated with headaches and eyestrain. (Headaches at the office, anyone?) Individuals with high flicker fusion threshold are particularly affected by electromagnetic ballasts: their EEG alpha waves are markedly attenuated and they perform office tasks with greater speed and /decreased/ accuracy

Even among persons not sensitive to light flicker, a stroboscopic effect can be noticed, where something spinning at just the right speed may appear stationary if illuminated solely by a single fluorescent lamp.

The spectrum of light emitted from a fluorescent lamp is different from those produced by incandescent sources (and incandescent is closer to natural light). The relative intensity of light emitted in each narrow band of wavelengths over the visible spectrum is in different proportions compared to that of an incandescent source. Colored objects are perceived differently under light sources with differing spectral distributions. For example, some people find the color rendition produced by some fluorescent lamps to be harsh and displeasing.

Fluorescent light fixtures cannot be connected to dimmer switches intended for incandescent lamps. Two effects are responsible for this: the waveform of the voltage emitted by a standard phase-control dimmer interacts badly with many ballasts, and it becomes difficult to sustain an arc in the fluorescent tube at low power levels. Dimming installations require a compatible dimming ballast.

Well, there goes all the electricity saved by dimming your incandescent (old-fashioned) light bulbs.


Claim of longer life:

If the lamp is installed where it is frequently switched on and off, it will age rapidly.

/// Under extreme conditions, its lifespan may be much shorter than a cheap incandescent lamp.///

Each start cycle slightly erodes the electron-emitting surface of the cathodes; when all the emission material is gone, the lamp cannot start with the available ballast voltage. It's recommended to leave fluorescents /on/ if you're leaving the room or whatever for less than 15 minutes. More of that "energy saving" down the drain.

Some fluorescent lamps emit ultraviolet radiation that in some circumstances can exceed safe levels. The Health Protection Agency of the United Kingdom has conducted research that concluded exposure to some compact fluorescent lamps (CFLs) for 1 hour per day at a distance of less than 30 cm (1 foot) can exceed safe levels. Touching the exposed bulb results in equivalent exposure to ultraviolet radiation as that of being in direct summer sunlight

UV light can affect sensitive paintings, especially watercolors and many textiles. Valuable art work must be protected from light by additional glass or transparent acrylic sheets put between the lamp(s) and the painting

Fluorescent lamps require a ballast to stabilize the current through the lamp, and to provide the initial striking voltage required to start the arc discharge. This increases the cost of fluorescent light fixtures, though often one ballast is shared between two or more lamps. Electromagnetic ballasts with a minor fault can produce an audible humming or buzzing noise. Magnetic ballasts are usually filled with a tar-like potting compound to reduce emitted noise. Hum is eliminated in lamps with a high-frequency electronic ballast. Energy lost in magnetic ballasts can be significant, on the order of 10% of lamp input power


Radio, TV, phone interference:
Fluorescent lamps are a non-linear load and generate harmonic currents in the electrical power supply. The arc within the lamp may generate radio frequency noise, which can be conducted through power wiring.

In English: Radio interference in any device using radio waves, including your cordless or cell phone. Try using either while standing next to a microwave oven that is running. But the microwave doesn't usually run all day (offices) or much of the night (homes), and there's only one of them. Congress wants your whole house to be fluorescent.

Electronic devices operated by infra-red remote control can interpret the infra-red light emitted by CFLs as a signal; this limits the use of CFLs near televisions, radios, remote controls, or mobile phones. .. and exactly what percent of your house has none of those?


Fire hazard
When the base of the bulb is not made to be flame-retardant, as required in the /voluntary/ standard for CFLs, then the electrical components in the bulb can overheat which poses a fire hazard


Use with timers, motion sensors, light sensors, and other electronic controls:

Some electronic (but not mechanical) timers can interfere with the electronic ballast in CFLs and can shorten their lifespan. Some timers rely on a connection to neutral through the bulb and so pass a tiny current through the bulb, charging the capacitors in the electronic ballast. They may not work with a CFL connected, unless an incandescent bulb is also connected. They may also cause the CFL to flash when off. This can also be true for illuminated wall switches and motion sensors. Also, most CFLs will not work with light sensor devices, as in a "dusk to dawn" device.

So you save $50/yr in electricity - MAYBE -- but your car is stolen, your home burglarized, you are assaulted....


Outdoor use
CFLs are generally not designed for outdoor use and some will not start in cold weather. CFLs are available with cold-weather ballasts, which may be rated to as low as âˆ'23 °C (âˆ'10 °F). ... Anyone here who's ever seen an outdoor temperature lower than that (probably at night, which is when you want the light), raise your hand. Mine is raised. But the Gov wants to ban *all* old-fashioned light bulbs in a few years. Enjoy the cold darkness.

btw, what about Christmas tree lights or outdoor lighting? Going to mount 100 CFLs on a long string? At several dollars each?


Lifetime brightness
Fluorescent lamps get dimmer over their lifetime, so what starts out as an adequate luminosity may become inadequate. In one test by the U.S. Department of Energy of "Energy Star" products in 2003–04, one quarter of tested CFLs no longer met their rated output after 40% of their rated service life.


BIG STUDY:

The Scientific Committee on Emerging and Newly Identified Health Risks (SCENIHR) in 2008 reviewed the connections between artificial light and numerous human diseases, including:

* Ultraviolet radiation emitted by fluorescent lighting increases an individual's exposure to carcinogenic radiation by 10 to 30 per cent per year, with an associated increased probability of contracting squamous cell carcinoma by 4 percent.

* The constituent blue light of CFLs can aggravate retinal diseases in susceptible people, but it is unlikely to occur.

* The report states that "people with Autism/Asperger's syndrome have reported problems which they attributed to fluorescent lighting and any deleterious effects on sufferers of autism or Asperger Syndrome from CFLs cannot be dismissed.

* The inner-ear condition Ménière's disease can be aggravated by flicker Sufferers of vertigo are recommended to not use fluorescent lights.

* Polymorphous light eruption is a condition affecting the skin thought to be caused by an adverse reaction to ultraviolet light. Its prevalence across Europe is 10-20% of the population Artificial light sources may provoke the condition, and CFLs have been shown to produce an eruption.

* Chronic actinic dermatitis is a condition where a subject's skin becomes inflamed due to a reaction to sunlight or artificial light. Its prevalence in Scotland is 16.5 per 100,000 population. There is evidence that CFLs worsen the condition.

***** The autoimmune disease Lupus is exacerbated by CFLs. ****

* There is evidence that Actinic prurigo is worsened by CFLs . This disease affects 3.3% of the general population.

* 3.1% of the population suffer Solar urticaria, a skin disorder affected by ultraviolet light. Some patients are directly affected by CFLs.

* Phytophotodermatitis may be aggravated by the additional levels of ultraviolet light emitted by CFLs.

* Patients undergoing photodynamic therapy are at additional risk of adverse photosensitive reactions caused by CFLs.

* One cause of cataracts is exposure to ultraviolet light. Provided the level of UV emission from lamps is within safe limits, and the lamp a sufficient distance away from the individual, there should be no increased risk of developing cataracts. ...... ("should be"? Wow, I feel so reassured. Don't you?)

* Photophobia is a symptom of excessive sensitivity to light which affects 5 to 20% of the population. No studies have been conducted into the effect of CFLs on sufferers of photophobia but there is the possibility for CFLs to affect sufferers.

The charity Migraine Action says its members suffer migraines induced by CFLs and there are many anecdotal reports of such occurrences.


Bottom line:
The purpose of environmental laws is to improve the safety of human life. This doesn't do that; it increases risk. It's dubious whether it saves money in the long run, and maybe not even energy. Congress, cut the spending by 70%, run budget surpluses, and pay off the @#$% national debt. In the meantime, GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY BULBS!

copyright 2011 by Thomas A. Edison

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Old Man Ribber - July 13, 2011 - Report this comment
Edison (hehe) - Truly illuminating. Merely magnificent. I wish I could score this with tens! ;D
Patrick - July 13, 2011 - Report this comment
Bienvenido de vuelta. That's all I need, one more source of interference with the government mandated, weak, pixilated, freeze-frame digital television. I once worked in a Halloween haunted house. There was a room with flickering fluorescent bulbs. No one could stay in there more that a few seconds. Didn't the feds once come up with some gasoline additive that was supposed to reduce air pollution, and ended up contaminating ground water instead? I think I have found my investment plan. Instead of gold and silver, I will sink my savings into incandescent light bulbs, while they are still available and cheap. There used to be some town in Germany where the mentally handicapped were given uniforms and placed as street sweepers and greeters at museums. It was a nice gesture and bolstered their self esteem. Here we take incompetents with an excess of self esteem and let them make technical decisions for which they are totally unqualified.
Tennyson - July 13, 2011 - Report this comment
Theirs not to make reply, theirs not to reason why... Or so it would seem. How else could the POTUS continue to maintain his scores of groveling groupies and fawning flunkies?

Fortunately, there are those who *do* see beyond the demagoguery to the long-term consequences of his policies. "Blinded by the Light" indeed...! 555
Patrick - July 13, 2011 - Report this comment
I can recall being in libraries with fluorescent bulbs during a power outage. The room would suddenly go silent when the humming of the fluorescents stopped. I hadn't thought about Christmas lighting. Or all those neon advertising signs. What happens with them? Politicians should not be allowed outside of institutions where they can be watched so they don't hurt anyone. Every consumer product I can think of from TV to cars, to toilets has been made worse by the intervention of government. King Richard once offered his whole kingdom for a horse. There's a lot of us would trade the whole federal government for a 100 light bulb.
Patrick - July 13, 2011 - Report this comment
One of the late-night movie channels has been advertising a non-electric device that can channel natural daylight into interior rooms of a house, reducing the need for daytime electrical use. Some states and the feds are already talking about raising gasoline taxes to cover the "losses" due to increased mileage (also mandated) in new vehicles. If these hazmat bulbs actually reduced power consumption the electrical utilities would immediately begin crying for rate increases. We don't need term limits, we need recall. Everyone has the right to free speech, except politicians. When they open their mouths the wrong way, it should cost them, big time. Promote them back to the private sector with a car that can't be repaired, a TV set that blanks out during the key parts of every broadcast, a toilet that won't flush, and light bulbs that hum in their ears like a stray gnat.
freedom man - July 13, 2011 - Report this comment
the new light bulbs cause cancer if you sit by the mercury filled things too long but dont let this fact stop you from jumping on a global warming, save the whales bandwagon. the moon and 2 planets warmed the same 1/2 degree as the earth did at the same time al gore started this lie / religion. by the way, i have years of old light bulbs stored in house and will never give in to big brothers' control like most sheep do. come get commie liberal government, but be ready to lose i love my old light bulbs
Edmund Germer - July 13, 2011 - Report this comment
I think it's a great idea
Friedrich Meyer - July 13, 2011 - Report this comment
So do I
Hans J. Spanner - July 13, 2011 - Report this comment
I do, as well
Joseph Wilson Swan - July 13, 2011 - Report this comment
How come you get all the glory?
This, to me, ain't hunky-dory.
I should get to tell the story!

LOL @ sealed glass jar piece.

I hope that this info hasn't come from sites that are swamped with apocrypha!
Old Man Ribber - July 13, 2011 - Report this comment
Edison - Incandescent lighting - fabulous idea. Direct current - not so good. A tip - listen to Westinghouse and especially Tesla on that one. Maybe the government is hacked off at the tungsten industry. ;D
Thomas A. Edison - July 14, 2011 - Report this comment
Old Man Ribber: Maybe vote fives twice? Thanks.

Patrick: I thought the same thing - start hoarding the present bulbs. The new "Dutch Tulip Bulb" bubble. Yes on the gasoline additive. Santa Monica, CA found that it contaminated the ground from which the city drew its well water to treat. Had to abandon the well fields.

Tennyson: Dang it! BBTL was the first OS that came to mind when I read the story, but it's way too hard and long to toss off along with all the facts. Thundering thanks to fabulous fan of awesome alliteration!

Patrick 2: The entire Gov combined doesn't have 100 watts of brainpower. Or as the old saying goes, They're not the brightest bulbs in the chandelier.

Patrick 3: Or just make their own laws apply to them. Congress doesn't pay into Social Security. They knew it was a bad idea. They get their own juicy pensions from us. Extend that concept...

freedom man: you have quite a set of bulbs! hold on to them! thanks.

Edmund Germer, Friedrich Meyer, Hans J. Spanner: Fill breakable glass tubes with toxic mercury vapor and phosphorus? What were you guys thinking? Or smoking?

Joseph Wilson Swan: Because I thought of it first. :P ... .not the light bulb, but the parody. :-D But you got credit in Europe, and we collaborated, remember? Anyway, I improved it! .... oh, heck, go ahead and write one telling your side of the story. ... ... Glad you liked the glass jar idea - OMG! On top of everything else, fluorescent bulbs contain apocrypha? Those evil Congresspersons - hiding *that* from us too! ;)

Old Man Ribber 2: I was always suspicious of those AC/DC guys. It's like battin' from both sides of the plate, if ya git mah drift... I once found a skunk in my refrigerator. I asked it what it was doing there. He said, "Isn't this a Westinghouse"? I said, "yes". He said, "Well, I'm westing!" HAHAHAHAHA oh I kill with this stuff! ... Hacked off at the tungsten industry? POTUS and all Congress should be hacked off at the tongue.

(exits on a high note, leaves 'em wanting more)
Alfred, Lord @ Tennyson - July 14, 2011 - Report this comment
(ok, it's really me, TAE.)

On into the valley of our deaths voted the 535!

"Bind: Must Buy This Light", by Bruce Tungsten? (... "Tungsten" ... I kill almost as strongly as mercury!)
Patrick - July 14, 2011 - Report this comment
Edison invented the electric chair to discredit Westinghouse's alternating current. He hired a circus performer to travel around the country with a Westinghouse generator to electrocute stray dogs and cats as a public demonstration of the dangers of AC. This was at a time when towns were allocating franchises or monopolies on stringing power lines. Also a time when public entertainments could be somewhat perverse. I once saw about 5 seconds of old footage of an elephant being shocked and keeling over. I sure enough wouldn't want that stuff in my house.
Thomas A. Edison - July 14, 2011 - Report this comment
Patrick: So, you live in a house with no electricity? Or have your own DC generator and things that run off of it? ... Fortunately, someone invented Ground Fault Interrupters (GFI) for high-hazard places like kitchen and bath.
Not Only An Incandescent Light Bulb, But A Crystal Ball - July 16, 2011 - Report this comment
Outro: "Congress, cut the spending by 70%, run budget surpluses,...."

Associated Press:
http://news.yahoo.com/feds-dose-kitchen-table-economics-124603046.html

"To carry on without going deeper in debt, (a family in the Gov's financial situation) would have to cut its monthly bills by 70 percent or get a huge pay increase at work, enough to raise their income [[That's "taxes", people]] by nearly two-thirds. Now."

Then they could scrape by without borrowing more, at least for a little while.

"So calculates the nonpartisan Congressional Research Service in describing the only way the government could move ahead without taking on more debt. An end to discretionary spending, a 70 percent cut in mandatory spending or an enormous boost in tax revenue would suffice, but only for this year, it says. Then it gets even worse."

Really, the 70% cited in the outro was thought to be sufficient to run surpluses and pay down the national debt. Turns out that 70% was *exactly* the right figure, but that's just to *balance* the budget.

No wonder they called me "The Wizard Of Spend-low Park"! ;) -- TAE
Texas Governor Rick Perry Says 'To H*ll With You" (Congress) - July 17, 2011 - Report this comment
(Associated Press) "In June, Perry signed a largely symbolic bill that allows Texas companies to continue producing incandescent light bulbs banned by the EPA, as long as they are sold within the state."

Any of the fans of parodying TOS want to do "Rick Says, 'To H*ll With You'" ?

I may move my corpse to Texas, especially if Perry makes good on his 2009 suggestion to secede from the United States. - TAE
Tennyson @ TAE - July 23, 2011 - Report this comment
The Congressional Research Service, when speaking of the "family in the Govt's situation", didn't mention the family's option of going into their neighbors' homes and forcing them to surrender whatever assets deemed necessary to make everyone "even".... Oh, wait. That's illegal. Never mind. ;)
TJC - July 23, 2011 - Report this comment
Very interesting, er 'Edisonifying', Thomas! I found every last foot note n' outro a lux'urious n' lambent shaft of illumination! It does boggle the mind that corporate interests have so muddled the (ob)scene--I take it *they're* Dan Brown's 'Illuminati'!.
Thomas A. Edison - July 24, 2011 - Report this comment
Tennyson: It's not illegal; it's just that the Gov has a monopoly on it. ;-) ... Or as the archetypal paradigm of Government power said, "You can get much farther with kind words and a gun than you can with kind words alone."           (Al Capone)

TJC: Not sure it's totally corporate interests. GE makes incandescent bulbs, though not sure if here in the US. IMHO, more like the Al Gores of the world, using claims of "helping the environment" to gain personal publicity and power, and the politicians in general having been sold a bill of goods and welcoming anything that enlarges their power to micro-manage our lives for us. .

I wonder how many of Congress know any of the facts above? Probably none, but passing laws without knowledge -- Watt's new about that? ;) Thanks for v/c!
Andria - March 10, 2012 - Report this comment
I hate these things, and I think they are harmful to people's eyesight too. They give me horrible headaches too... after CFLs are mandated, I'll be importing incandescent bulbs from Canada or Latin America... pretty good work, and 5s.

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