I plopped down in my easy chair
and turned on Channel 2.
'Cause "Entertainment Tonight" showed me
a vision in dress of blue.
Angelina Jolie, I saw her and said with a lustful laugh,
"If she don't give me the keys to her heart
my own will break in half."

I'd like to grab her.
(And then?)
I won't tie her up.
(You won't?)
She'd cut me like a buzzsaw!
(And then? And then?)

A-a-and then along came Jones!
Zeta-Jones!
Slow-walkin' Jones!
Slow-burnin' Jones!
Along came Catherine Zeta-Jones!

Commercial came on, no more Jolie
so I got me a snack.
"ET" then did a piece on J-Lo.
And Baby still got back.
Her whacked-out hubby's not onscreen.
If he was, I'd have some fits.
And I said,
"Gimme the keys to her heart.
I'd love that girl to bits."

I'd like to grab her.
(And then?)
I won't tie her up.
(You won't?)
Her love is just like dynamite!
(And then? And then?)

A-a-and then along came Jones!
Zeta-Jones!
Slow-walkin' Jones!
Slow-burnin' Jones!
Along came Catherine Zeta-Jones!

(instrumental break)

I got so bugged, I turned it off
and turned on another show.
But there's a new T-Mobile ad
and it's telling me "Get Mo'."
She says she loves that geezer guy
who's wrinkled like a burlap sack.
I said,
"If she don't give me the key to her heart
I'm gonna jump upon the railroad track!"

I'd like to grab her.
(And then?)
I won't tie her up.
(You won't?)
I'd lay her near the railroad track!
(And then?)
We'd both start a-comin'!
(And then? And then?)

(And then I woke up and looked at the TV again.)

A-a-and then along came Jones!
Zeta-Jones!
Slow-walkin' Jones!
Slow-burnin' Jones!
Along came Catherine Zeta-Jones!
Along came Catherine Zeta-Jones!
Along came Catherine Zeta-Jones!
(repeat 'til fade)