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Song Parodies -> "Army SmarTruck Pros (Extended Version)"
Original Song Title:
"Where the Whiskey Flows"
Original Performer:
The Hamlin Brothers
Parody Song Title:
"Army SmarTruck Pros (Extended Version)"
Parody Written by:
Robert D. Arndt Jr.
The Lyrics
I rarely do country songs, especially old bar songs, but took the lyrics to this short one and extended it to cover a range of technology from the US Army's National Automotive Center SmarTruck vehicle.
Now some trucks pull loads
Others are for show
And 4x4s GO
… off the asphalt roads
But the US Army
NAC guys know
That it takes a brute
For a war-torn zone
(Chorus)
Where the SmarTruck goes
It can fight its foes
MI6, double Os
Q’d be jealous, heaven knows
'Cause there ain’t no cons
To the SmarTruck’s ‘pros
Push of a button
Back the slide roof goes
Laser cannon turns
Fires bursts- cars "glow"
A Kevlar body
Against small arms blows
Got touch-screen panels
For defense app modes
Where the SmarTruck goes
It can fight its foes
MI6, double Os
Q’d be jealous, heaven knows
‘Cause there ain’t no cons
To the SmarTruck’s ‘pros
Smoke screen, pepper spray,
Oil slick from tanks flow
A tack dispenser (tucked down under)
Dual-core tires, dual roles
With headlight dazzlers
Front and rear blind foes
Door handle shockers
Loosens bad guy holds
Where the SmarTruck goes
It can fight its foes
MI6, double Os
Q’d be jealous, heaven knows
‘Cause there ain’t no cons
To the SmarTruck’s ‘pros
And if it’s breached
Break-in,
inside siege
No, she won’t go-
No! Hell No!
Bio-ID… or else she explodes!!!
No, Hell No, she won’t go
Bio-ID… or else she explodes!!!
‘Cause there ain’t no cons
To the SmarTruck’s pros
[Cost to the taxpayer… no one knows!!!]
Others are for show
And 4x4s GO
… off the asphalt roads
But the US Army
NAC guys know
That it takes a brute
For a war-torn zone
(Chorus)
Where the SmarTruck goes
It can fight its foes
MI6, double Os
Q’d be jealous, heaven knows
'Cause there ain’t no cons
To the SmarTruck’s ‘pros
Push of a button
Back the slide roof goes
Laser cannon turns
Fires bursts- cars "glow"
A Kevlar body
Against small arms blows
Got touch-screen panels
For defense app modes
Where the SmarTruck goes
It can fight its foes
MI6, double Os
Q’d be jealous, heaven knows
‘Cause there ain’t no cons
To the SmarTruck’s ‘pros
Smoke screen, pepper spray,
Oil slick from tanks flow
A tack dispenser (tucked down under)
Dual-core tires, dual roles
With headlight dazzlers
Front and rear blind foes
Door handle shockers
Loosens bad guy holds
Where the SmarTruck goes
It can fight its foes
MI6, double Os
Q’d be jealous, heaven knows
‘Cause there ain’t no cons
To the SmarTruck’s ‘pros
And if it’s breached
Break-in,
inside siege
No, she won’t go-
No! Hell No!
Bio-ID… or else she explodes!!!
No, Hell No, she won’t go
Bio-ID… or else she explodes!!!
‘Cause there ain’t no cons
To the SmarTruck’s pros
[Cost to the taxpayer… no one knows!!!]
While this sounds futuristic and menacing, the 1990s Mercedes Armored Limo for the Saudi family cost $12 million each and had even more defenses: explosive panels to kill mobs, lead undebelly to defeat sachel charges, reinforced glass to resist RPG hits, composite armor protection, driving positions fore and aft, sealed inner chamber with oxygen and fire extinguishing systems, kevlar curtains, firing ports for small arms fire, a roof aerial recovery ring, smoke generator, and integrated electronics suite with active counter-electronic aides. The Saudis bought a fleet of them!
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A vote, by heck..for the tech
Homeland Security will have one parked on every street corner by this time next year.
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