It’s the most horrible time of the year
There’ll be shopping malls closing
And old people smoking
And lines up to here
It’s the most horrible time of the year

It’s the most unbrotherly season of all
They’ll be parking spaces going
And middle fingers showing
And you’re in a brawl
It’s the most unbrotherly season of all

There’ll be presents for wrapping
And gift cards for stacking
And credit card debt will grow
There’ll be plenty of deserts
And later it hurts
And then your metabolism will slow

It’s the most wonderful time for the Jews
There’ll be Yiddish words spoken
And people start choking’
On kosher food
It’s the most wonderful time for the Jews

There’ll be Chinese for eating
And everyone’s beating
Those lines in the store that are long
There’ll be nothing to do
It really is true
We’ll be singing a stupid song

It’s the most horrible time of the year
All those Christmas trees smelling
And everyone’s yelling
At bar tenders for beer
It’s the most horrible time
It’s a crazy, neurotic time
It’s the most horrible time of the year