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Song Parodies -> "How will I know if I'm still a Newbie? / It's in t"
Original Song Title:
"How will I know? / It's in his Kiss!"
Original Performer:
Whitney Houston / Cher
Parody Song Title:
"How will I know if I'm still a Newbie? / It's in t"
Parody Written by:
A Room Full of Monkeys
The Lyrics
Once upon a time in a future, far, far, far away from now, and probably taking place in a since 2005 abandoned and somewhat rusty Ice Hockey arena somewhere, the first Worldwide AmIright Convention (WACO for short) takes place. After receiving big screen live greetings from Spaff's residence in Rome, Kristof's in the White House and post cards from K1chyd's detained dwelling at the Loony Bin, and after going through such glory awards categories as "Song of the Decade" (STD) and "Best Supporter, Arwen's" things and the 15 minutes of personal exposure that everyone has actually come for finally starts to trickle down to the minor categories. As we enter the scene the same has just been done to the stage by the only Original Artist willing to perform in front of such a crowd in exchange for a backstage bowl of Johnny D's lickable frogs; Whitney Houston, the first in line of two trying to keep seats warm (any which way) before Red Ant finally is to be given his Lifetime Newbie Achievement Award.
There's a boy I know
He's the one I dream of
(Incomprehensible mumbling)
(Incomprehensible mumbling)
Oh I lose control
Can't seem to get enough
(Incomprehensible mumbling)
(More incomprehensible mumbling)
How will I know
(Incomprehensible mumbling)
How will I know
How will I know
(Incomprehensible mumbling)
How will I know
Chorus:
How will I know if I'm still a newbie?
I say a prayer for every new song
I'm asking you whenever we meet
I'm asking you what you know about these things
How will I know if I'm still a newbie?
I try to tell if I'm not fly
NARRATOR'S VOICE:
Suddenly the uncontrollable tremors causes Whitney's nose to fall off and she flees the stage. The local paper's dimwit photographer, so far bored out of his scull after unsuccessfully having tried to hit on everyone of the way to few present that do not stand up when they pee, and somewhat irritated after having his personal banjo stolen (by Michael Pacholek), jumps at the opportunity to shoot some Michael Jackson look-alike pictures and runs after her. To fill the gap on stage Cher is called on early and she reluctantly leaves the dressing room where she had Luke Brattoni, Ethan Mayer and EmiLoca cornered in an attempt to negotiate them into "paying" her double fee. Somewhat disgruntled she skips the verse and moves directly to the chorus of her song:
It's in this list
(That's where it is)
Who, Oh, It's in this list
(That's where it is)
Oh yeah, It's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
NARRATOR'S VOICE:
Someone in the audience has the courage to do the decent thing and shoots a quick fix tranquilizer dart in the side of Cher's neck, unfortunately it's loaded a bit too strong and she dies on spot and gets dragged out of sight. Later on that evening the local CSI never gets any closer to solving the case than separate first draft parody confessions from both Malcolm Higgins and Johnny D that they at some point after the event have "handled the stiff". Early the next morning that xxx-file is closed though, when Cher suddenly reemerges from the morgue, looking somewhat different and renewed but that being a normal thing in her case having it explained with "taking the opportunity to have some extra plastic surgery while being at the hospital anyway". She then quickly takes off in her jewel-ornamented tour bus, driven by Leo Jay, and all the other authors are happy to see how all this finally has given Arwen the career and lifestyle that she deserves.
As for the "How will I know if I'm still a Newbie List" you have to calculate your Newbie Points (NP) according to the following rules to determine your AmIright Status:
Every day you post a new parody you get 1 NP. More parodies per day will not give you extra points unless one of them becomes an instant hit that gives you more than 10 votes and comments in the first 24 hours, if so you get 3 NP that day.
Every day you vote and comment on at least 10 other people's parodies you get 1 NP.
Every time you find that someone else has voted and commented on at least 10 of your parodies you get 10 NP.
When the same person has voted and commented on at least 25 of your parodies you get another 10 NP. Above that you get no more NP's per voter/commenter since he/she has probably already begun to think of you as beyond Newbie anyway.
For posting a parody to an almost forgotten and previously almost un-parodied one-hit wonder that still immediately comes back to many people from just seeing the originals title you get 5 extra NP.
If you by accident post a parody to the same song on the same day as a more experienced writer and yours is, if not better at least equally good, you get 10 extra NP.
For participating in a SOTM contest you get 25 NP once you have fulfilled the duty to comment on everyone else and voted according to the rules. If you place so as to get a medal you get 100 NP. And if you win you get instant Veteran status.
Posting parodies about poop gives you the usual 1 NP, but also -10 NP if people don't like it. Posting two or more parodies about poop in a row automatically gives you -10 NP.
If your real name is Osama bin Laden and you add that name and your current address with the parody to strengthen your copyright claime you get -1000666 NP and the full blame for causing the host server to crash in the days that follow.
If you're a female writer you can count all the positive NPs x 2 and all the negative NPs x 0,5. If you're a hot looking female writer and you use your photo on the message board you can count all the positive NPs x 4 and will never get any negative NPs whatsoever. (Unless the photo displays that you never shave your legs, then you get points all through as if you were a man).
And Finally – Here's The "What's my AmIright Status" scale:
0 - 111 NP: Who?
111 - 222 NP: Hangaround.
222 - 333 NP: Prospect.
333 - 444 NP: Possible Pun-Addict.
444 - 555 NP: Incoming!!!
555 - Infinity: VETERAN.
He's the one I dream of
(Incomprehensible mumbling)
(Incomprehensible mumbling)
Oh I lose control
Can't seem to get enough
(Incomprehensible mumbling)
(More incomprehensible mumbling)
How will I know
(Incomprehensible mumbling)
How will I know
How will I know
(Incomprehensible mumbling)
How will I know
Chorus:
How will I know if I'm still a newbie?
I say a prayer for every new song
I'm asking you whenever we meet
I'm asking you what you know about these things
How will I know if I'm still a newbie?
I try to tell if I'm not fly
NARRATOR'S VOICE:
Suddenly the uncontrollable tremors causes Whitney's nose to fall off and she flees the stage. The local paper's dimwit photographer, so far bored out of his scull after unsuccessfully having tried to hit on everyone of the way to few present that do not stand up when they pee, and somewhat irritated after having his personal banjo stolen (by Michael Pacholek), jumps at the opportunity to shoot some Michael Jackson look-alike pictures and runs after her. To fill the gap on stage Cher is called on early and she reluctantly leaves the dressing room where she had Luke Brattoni, Ethan Mayer and EmiLoca cornered in an attempt to negotiate them into "paying" her double fee. Somewhat disgruntled she skips the verse and moves directly to the chorus of her song:
It's in this list
(That's where it is)
Who, Oh, It's in this list
(That's where it is)
Oh yeah, It's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
Oh, it's in this list (That's where it is)
NARRATOR'S VOICE:
Someone in the audience has the courage to do the decent thing and shoots a quick fix tranquilizer dart in the side of Cher's neck, unfortunately it's loaded a bit too strong and she dies on spot and gets dragged out of sight. Later on that evening the local CSI never gets any closer to solving the case than separate first draft parody confessions from both Malcolm Higgins and Johnny D that they at some point after the event have "handled the stiff". Early the next morning that xxx-file is closed though, when Cher suddenly reemerges from the morgue, looking somewhat different and renewed but that being a normal thing in her case having it explained with "taking the opportunity to have some extra plastic surgery while being at the hospital anyway". She then quickly takes off in her jewel-ornamented tour bus, driven by Leo Jay, and all the other authors are happy to see how all this finally has given Arwen the career and lifestyle that she deserves.
As for the "How will I know if I'm still a Newbie List" you have to calculate your Newbie Points (NP) according to the following rules to determine your AmIright Status:
Every day you post a new parody you get 1 NP. More parodies per day will not give you extra points unless one of them becomes an instant hit that gives you more than 10 votes and comments in the first 24 hours, if so you get 3 NP that day.
Every day you vote and comment on at least 10 other people's parodies you get 1 NP.
Every time you find that someone else has voted and commented on at least 10 of your parodies you get 10 NP.
When the same person has voted and commented on at least 25 of your parodies you get another 10 NP. Above that you get no more NP's per voter/commenter since he/she has probably already begun to think of you as beyond Newbie anyway.
For posting a parody to an almost forgotten and previously almost un-parodied one-hit wonder that still immediately comes back to many people from just seeing the originals title you get 5 extra NP.
If you by accident post a parody to the same song on the same day as a more experienced writer and yours is, if not better at least equally good, you get 10 extra NP.
For participating in a SOTM contest you get 25 NP once you have fulfilled the duty to comment on everyone else and voted according to the rules. If you place so as to get a medal you get 100 NP. And if you win you get instant Veteran status.
Posting parodies about poop gives you the usual 1 NP, but also -10 NP if people don't like it. Posting two or more parodies about poop in a row automatically gives you -10 NP.
If your real name is Osama bin Laden and you add that name and your current address with the parody to strengthen your copyright claime you get -1000666 NP and the full blame for causing the host server to crash in the days that follow.
If you're a female writer you can count all the positive NPs x 2 and all the negative NPs x 0,5. If you're a hot looking female writer and you use your photo on the message board you can count all the positive NPs x 4 and will never get any negative NPs whatsoever. (Unless the photo displays that you never shave your legs, then you get points all through as if you were a man).
And Finally – Here's The "What's my AmIright Status" scale:
0 - 111 NP: Who?
111 - 222 NP: Hangaround.
222 - 333 NP: Prospect.
333 - 444 NP: Possible Pun-Addict.
444 - 555 NP: Incoming!!!
555 - Infinity: VETERAN.
© The local CSI couldn't determine that either, but there are clues all over the place, don't you know one when you see one? ;-)
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Voting Results
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Voting Breakdown
The following represent how many people voted for each category.
| Pacing | How Funny | Overall Rating | |||||||||
| 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 3 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 4 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 5 | 4 | 4 | 4 |
User Comments
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I couldn't follow this. I caught two verses of one song, and a verse of another, the rest was all waffling on about the Newbie count thing that Red Ant made up on the messageboard. how am I supposed to rate it if all you do is talk?! no vote
DKTOS, but 5s for the saga.
Actually DAK, K1chyd made up the list. I can't follow this at all, ARFOD ( besides, I have never heard Cher's part, and barely remember Whitney's ), so no vote. No idea if the "Incomprehensible mumbling" is spoofing the song or the thread, but if it is the latter that will be taken care shortly. Thanks though!
DKTOS either but, the spoof is worth the 3 fives!
This is of course more about the "saga" than spoofing the two mentioned originals, the more of the injokes and pop culture references you get the less of a newbie you are, roughly calculated. From scratch I never planned to use more than the possibly somewhat better know chorus parts anyway. As for the "incomprehensible mumbling" those lines replace actual lines in TOS, partly because I was too lazy to make up substitutes in line with the overall story and partly because it struck me that Whitney IRL has now snorted away her career and brain so far that her old fans would be glad to see/hear her perform even that, before her nose rots away, hence also the cross reference about Johnny D's parodies about licking poisonous toads/frogs for the hallucinogetic effect and her being a junkie. But a joke really isn't funny if you have to explain it so I'll shut up now. :-)
I got a hell of a headache trying to figure out my Newbie Quotient. Dammit. Then I remembered that Arwen=FABulous squared...and that is the only thing any of you need to know...; )
I still can't figure out how many points I get...
...but I just noticed that I got mentioned twice...(the first time around, I somehow missed the part about getting the lifestyle I deserve, as I skipped ahead to try to figure out my Newbie numbers...)...so thanks, Monkeys...=) I'd love to know who wrote it...=)
...but I just noticed that I got mentioned twice...(the first time around, I somehow missed the part about getting the lifestyle I deserve, as I skipped ahead to try to figure out my Newbie numbers...)...so thanks, Monkeys...=) I'd love to know who wrote it...=)
Well Arwen, you got the best deal of all in the saga and anyway we count you'll never have to do the same for personal NPs unless I should award you -50000 for the missed lesson here about not skipping ahead in life, but you've already sent yourself to detention for that so I won't mention it further. As for coming out, unless I manage to write a serious contender for the next SOTM I might sign this one up for secondary laughs. :-)
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