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Song Parodies -> "You Cannot Throw A Party"
Original Song Title:
"You Won't Succeed On Broadway"
Original Performer:
King Arthur, Sir Robin and the cast of Spamalot
Parody Song Title:
"You Cannot Throw A Party"
Parody Written by:
Phil Alexander
The Lyrics
In a slight divergence from the plot of Spamalot, King Arthur and Sir Robin are discussing the post-production party...
ARTHUR:
So you know how to "par-tay"?
ROBIN:
Yes sire...and we just don't have what it takes
ARTHUR:
Why not?
ROBIN:
Because...parties require a certain "je ne sais quoi"
Or rather a certain "je sais bien quoi"
So people can lose their inhibitions, their clothes
And frequently their lunch
They can lose track of time, lose their memories and even their virginities.
I'm sorry sire, but we are missing one vital ingredient
ARTHUR:
But what?
ROBIN:
Well...let me put it like this.
From the most intimate soirée
To the biggest grand carouse
How well it goes depends on the refreshment that you choose.
So, listen, Arthur darling, closely to this news:
You cannot throw a party
If you don't have any booze.
You may give the people hugs
You may even give them drugs
You may go for fancy dresses and cool shoes
You may dance and you may sing
So loud you make their eardrums ring
You won't hear "Cheers!"
Just lots and lots of boos.
PARTY CROWD:
Boo.
ROBIN:
You may have have butch men by the score
Whisking ladies 'cross the floor
You may even serve exotic kinds of juice
You may wear knickers on your head
You may paint your buttocks red
But they'll all go home instead
If you don't have any booze
They won't care if the goat'll
Eat the curtains at the hotel
They'll complain that it's teetotal add refuse
Nobody will visit
If you're just busy being "with it"
And cruising for a bruising ain't no cruise
Oh, yes, strippers make men stare,
They'll mingle dressed in underwear,
Then remove it at the tiniest excuse
KNIGHTS:
Hey, that sounds great!
ROBIN:
But people will not frolic
If the drink ain't ethanolic
It'll simply be bucolic
If you don't have any booze
You may have dramatic lighting,
Half-naked women fighting,
And their lacy scraps of clothing they soon lose
Then your guests'll prefer boys,
And the ladies rather toys
'Cept that Major-General quickly going puce
So, forget the gay apparel
Party-goers don't want Carol
They want bitter by the barrel till they snooze
You may have dancing from your daughter
But if all they drink is water
Then it's you who will get slaughtered
If you don't have any booze!
You may have ply your guests with E
Marijuana, LSD
PARTY GOERS:
But if the coke is Coca-cola then you lose
ROBIN:
They'll raise a mighty stink
If you do not give 'em drink
Both fermented AND distilled is what they'll choose
There's a very tiny number
Who enjoys a sober rumba
So you've got to pay your dipsomaniac dues
No thoughts of being arty
That would make a crappy party
No, you can't have a good party
If you don't have any booze!
Arthur, can you hear me?
To throw a swinging party
And not a minging party
A bottle-bringing party ain't no use
I tell you, Arthur King,
It's pointless all this "bling"
There simply must be, simply must be booze.
They will quaff it
Gallons of it
Oh, come off it: booze.
So you know how to "par-tay"?
ROBIN:
Yes sire...and we just don't have what it takes
ARTHUR:
Why not?
ROBIN:
Because...parties require a certain "je ne sais quoi"
Or rather a certain "je sais bien quoi"
So people can lose their inhibitions, their clothes
And frequently their lunch
They can lose track of time, lose their memories and even their virginities.
I'm sorry sire, but we are missing one vital ingredient
ARTHUR:
But what?
ROBIN:
Well...let me put it like this.
From the most intimate soirée
To the biggest grand carouse
How well it goes depends on the refreshment that you choose.
So, listen, Arthur darling, closely to this news:
You cannot throw a party
If you don't have any booze.
You may give the people hugs
You may even give them drugs
You may go for fancy dresses and cool shoes
You may dance and you may sing
So loud you make their eardrums ring
You won't hear "Cheers!"
Just lots and lots of boos.
PARTY CROWD:
Boo.
ROBIN:
You may have have butch men by the score
Whisking ladies 'cross the floor
You may even serve exotic kinds of juice
You may wear knickers on your head
You may paint your buttocks red
But they'll all go home instead
If you don't have any booze
They won't care if the goat'll
Eat the curtains at the hotel
They'll complain that it's teetotal add refuse
Nobody will visit
If you're just busy being "with it"
And cruising for a bruising ain't no cruise
Oh, yes, strippers make men stare,
They'll mingle dressed in underwear,
Then remove it at the tiniest excuse
KNIGHTS:
Hey, that sounds great!
ROBIN:
But people will not frolic
If the drink ain't ethanolic
It'll simply be bucolic
If you don't have any booze
You may have dramatic lighting,
Half-naked women fighting,
And their lacy scraps of clothing they soon lose
Then your guests'll prefer boys,
And the ladies rather toys
'Cept that Major-General quickly going puce
So, forget the gay apparel
Party-goers don't want Carol
They want bitter by the barrel till they snooze
You may have dancing from your daughter
But if all they drink is water
Then it's you who will get slaughtered
If you don't have any booze!
You may have ply your guests with E
Marijuana, LSD
PARTY GOERS:
But if the coke is Coca-cola then you lose
ROBIN:
They'll raise a mighty stink
If you do not give 'em drink
Both fermented AND distilled is what they'll choose
There's a very tiny number
Who enjoys a sober rumba
So you've got to pay your dipsomaniac dues
No thoughts of being arty
That would make a crappy party
No, you can't have a good party
If you don't have any booze!
Arthur, can you hear me?
To throw a swinging party
And not a minging party
A bottle-bringing party ain't no use
I tell you, Arthur King,
It's pointless all this "bling"
There simply must be, simply must be booze.
They will quaff it
Gallons of it
Oh, come off it: booze.
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Voting Results
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Voting Breakdown
The following represent how many people voted for each category.
| Pacing | How Funny | Overall Rating | |||||||||
| 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 3 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 4 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 5 | 11 | 11 | 11 |
User Comments
Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.
Very well done, Phil. A nod to poesy's muse, if indeed ’twas she with whose aid you donned Sir Robin's shoes for to King Art disabuse of his much-mistaken views that there was no need for booze to his fetes with fun in fuse. :-)
AAwesome musical,OS and paordy! 5s
555 Sir Phil , ~Le Marquis d' Alexander~ It be the best way to ~Make Merry~ !
May I hoist my goblet and salute you...
Thanks, guys (and Lady)
With especial thanks to Stan, who's a rhyming sort of man (least, it seems to me he can from February through to Jan)
With especial thanks to Stan, who's a rhyming sort of man (least, it seems to me he can from February through to Jan)
(SOTM) Lots of effort in this, but I quibble with so many keywords of the OS still in the parody, and I got lost in the spoken word parts in the intro. I liked the cameo from the Major General(!)
SOTM. *Gulp* Where you under the influence when you wrote this masterpiece among hymns to (p)arty beverages? 555 cl.
I swore I commented on this one. Very cool original song. What is that Spam-a-lot... I think I might have to get some tickets for that show. This musical number rocked. Now I'm off to grab a drink at the GOOD party.
(SOTM-FEB08) Have to agree somewhat with Ag - a bit too much of the OS in this. Spoken parts in parodies are always tricky. I think you did OK with this - I couldn't do it any better myself. I listened through the entire thing twice and read it twice since I was not familiar with this production. This seems to me to be a tough one Phil, and I admire you for putting the effort into writing it. Don't think I would attempt it so I really can't fault you for using as much of the OS that you did. Solid 5s for a solid effort.
(SOTM) I'm a mead and potatoes man myself, unless I Feel GROGgy.lol nice 5s
Spammed with 5s
(SOTM) Funny, I could've sworn this was in the Decathlon Mark 2. Ah well. Nice work anyways.
Spoken parts do not usually need to pace at all to TOS, though it's a plus in my book if they do. Funny OSs are hard to improve upon, but I think you pulled that off here. Lots of good internal rhyming ("swinging/minging/bringing"). My favorite lines came early: "So people can lose their inhibitions, their clothes...and frequently their lunch"
(SOTM) Good for the most part, a difficult OS and a very long one.
(SOTM) I'm impressed that you were able to pull it off. . .I did see the comedy end of it, and although I won't say I laughed really really hard, I got a chuckle out of it.
Similar theme to a Decathalon song, but different execution. I loved Spamalot, so I enjoyed the OS as well as your take. Very well done!
See above, and Spamalot rules
I liked this a lot. The word "dipsomaniac" is way underused. Also I like musicals and dialogue as sources for parody.
SOTM- I really have to see Spamalot. This was really well done, Phil.
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