We're the kids whose guardians often work us
Far too hard. Our intelligence
Helps us sometimes, but Count Olaf has caught us,
And his crimes make us quake in fright.
Sunny bites. She is getting big now.
Time's flown so quickly since that fire.
Books that Klaus reads and inventions of mine
Bail us out when our need's dire.

We're the kids who almost fell out a window,
Staved off beasts and lobotomies,
Sawed through lumber and ran laps in a schoolyard.
We watched Count Olaf take our friends.
It's been months now, and we are so tired
Of all these trials and pitfalls.
Olaf's costumes are unconvincing.
Why can't the others see through them all?

We're the kids who thought our troubles were over
When we silenced those wedding bells.
Though we were talking, those adults just weren't listening,
So we have tales of woe to tell.
Mr. Poe is unfit for his station.
We are deeply disdainful.
We always try so hard to make him change his mind.
His obtuseness is painful.

We're the kids who have this habit of scheming,
And we hate what we have to do,
Cuz the truth is that the more we keep scheming,
The more we become villains too.