Whatever happened to my arse?
It was petite, but now it's vast
But I'm afraid that I don't know
Exactly what has made it grow

Obesity ain't what it's called:
Not overweight: I'm under-tall
It's so bad, I can't ignore it
Things are going into orbit
Around me as I look down there, aghast
Whatever happened to my arse?

And so thick has been my rear
Children point and laugh and jeer
They should fear because there's one thing that I know
Oh yes, it is true, no bull
That the gravitational pull
Means my backside's like a black (well, dark brown) hole
..dark brown hole

Whatever happened to my jeans?
I fret that I might split the seams
When I move - that's how they feel
Though they're reinforced with steel

The earth would shake, were I to jump
'Cause of my asteroid-sized rump
If I shake it, there's a whoosh
As the edges of my tush
Approach the speed of sound - and that's a lot

Whatever happened to my
It's the size of a planet
Whatever happened to my
It's gross! It's gross
It's my...
Arse!