Song Parodies -> "I Am the Wal-Mart"

Original Song Title:

"I Am the Walrus"

Original Performer:

"I Am the Wal-Mart"

Parody Written by:

The Lyrics

I Am the Wal-Mart

Nearly free, made by Chinese, for real small fees, this holster is faux leather.
Gee, ain't it fun to sell kids big guns. See how they die.
I'm lying.

I can get you cornflakes. . .got a trailer truck with some.
Cornucopic T-shirts�got a sale on Tuesday.
Some say I'm a naughty boy, doin' the downtowns wrong.

I'm the renege man, I'm the renege man,
I am the Wal-Mart.
Super coop coup.

Edge-of-city lease plan.
I've got politicians lined up in a row.
See when I lie how loosely my lips fly
Hear my mouth run:
I'm lying. I'm lying.
I'm lying. I'm lying.

I've got fat-free custard, shipped in vats we call "hog size."
Crab and pollock fishsticks, ported to you freezed-fresh.
Look for hot deals on stickers that show our big markdowns.

I'm the renege man, I'm the renege man,
I am the Wal-Mart.
Super coop coup.

Is that standard English, pardon?
You see, I'm southern.
Some say I sound dumb, but here our tongue's,
Kind of like English Shakespeare spake.
I'm the renege man, I'm the renege man,
I am the Wal-Mart.
Super-coop coup soon comin' to you.

Experts, schmexperts! Smokescreened voters,
Can't you see that the joke is on you?
See how I smile as I dig your eye,
My finger high,
I'm prying.

Haven't seen much pilf'rage�'cause I've got big buying power.
Sellin' many pens, pins; floggin' Harry Potter;
Ads that make us seem like friendly hicks�our shtik cornpone.
I'm the renege man, I'm the renege man,
I am the Wal-Mart.
Super-coop coup soon comin' to you.
Super-coop coup soon comin' to you.

Coup, yah! Coup, yah! Coup, yah! Coup, yah!

Everyone else marks up, everyone else marks up, everyone else marks up. . . .

[The original had a sotto voce recitation at the end of a passage from "Richard the Third," I believe. For this: "The Merchant of Venice."]

Recitation:

I am debating of my present store:
And, by the near guess of my memory,
I cannot instantly raise up the gross.

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EmiLoca - June 17, 2004 - Report this comment

HA! As I happen to work at a store across from Wal-Mart and their stupid oversized parking lot, this one really appealed to me. Excellent rhyming, this is a difficult song to parody and you pulled it off without a hitch. 5's.

Ravyn Rant - June 17, 2004 - Report this comment

It was Henry IV, but who cares? Excellent job. No smiley face rolling back your 5s...

John Barry - June 17, 2004 - Report this comment

Thanks, both. And thanks for the clarification, Ravyn.

Serafina - June 17, 2004 - Report this comment

I'm not a huge fan of Wal-mart, but I decided to look at this parody anyway; it was really good. Also, I like what EmiLoca said in her comment about Wal-mart. Anyway, I vote 5-5-5.

Paul Robinson - June 17, 2004 - Report this comment

John, Excellent job, you are right on about Wal-Mart. They really have become parasites. They pay low wages to their employees while intimidating them into skipping lunch-breaks. Kill off small (and sometimes not-so-small) local businesses that were part of the community and offer workers a miserly health plan that most cannot afford the premiums and co-pays to join it - if they don't have a spouse with a decent health plan they (and their dependents) end up crowding the already over-crowded and under-funded City and County Health Facilities - the Public pays for most of the health problems of Wal-Mart employees. Of course, all that said, they couldn't do it without folks doing their shopping there. There have been a lot of revelations about Wal-Mart's "nickle-grubbing" tactics and how they hurt people and communities, and also how they pressure foreign contractor's to lower already rock-bottom prices down even further, thus lowering wage and work standards to even more abysmal levels than previously existed in these place. But still you will hear people say. "But I must shop at the place that offers the lowest price". My question to them: Is this really the lowest price when you factor EVERYTHING into the equation. And does that mean you would shop somewhere that used, say, Slave Labor? No, to my knowledge, Wal-Mart does not use slave labor - though I think they would if they thought they could get away with it. I was proud of the citizens of our neighbor city, Inglewood, for seeing past Wal-Mart's BS and turning them away recently. OH...on the fun side, John - this was always a FUNNY, well-constructed parody. I loved some of the lines, especially " I've got fat-free custard, shipped in vats we call 'hog size'. "

Jeff Glasby - June 17, 2004 - Report this comment

good stuff!! I hate walmart.. Id rather go to the dentist than try to find a parking spot at those places! argghhhh

Tim Hall - June 17, 2004 - Report this comment

Great job on an organization that demonstrates low prices come at a high cost

John Barry - June 17, 2004 - Report this comment

Thanks, all. I can see I'm not the only non-Walmart fan out there.

Mari D - June 17, 2004 - Report this comment

Yeah!

Stray Pooch - June 17, 2004 - Report this comment

Excellent parody, John. Clever, pointed, well-crafted. This deserves 5s on parody merit alone. Wally World is the best argument against capitalism I have ever seen (and I say it as a firmly entrenched conservative free-market advocate). The worst thing is, when Mall Wart comes to town, everybody else goes out of business. Eventually, even those who hate them end up having to shop there. Did you know Walmart has had more EEOC lawsuits against it than any other company? And they keep losing!! The EEOC has beaten them SIXTEEN times on handicapped accomodation lawsuits in court. Walmart doesn't care. They make more money cheating their own employees than they lose in the damage awards. Yet they keep on growing - because we all love our low prices.

Mr. X - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment

Yeah, Wal-mart is certainly not MY cup of tea. I think there's another anti-Wal Mart parody on this site.

Serafina - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment

I know; I don't like Wal-mart because they're always crowded, and they have annoying TV ads.

alvin rhodes - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment

goo-goo-goo-good !

Your Worst Nightmare - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment

LOL, I still go to Wal-Mart, but their ads.... "Hello, my name is Lucifer Satan, and I go to Wal-Mart every miserable day of my life. If you don't go to Wal-Mart, you are a stupid fool and should be shot. I buy everything from Wal-Mart, despite the fact that the nearest one is 120 miles away, and there's a shopping center not far from where I live. But that's the small price for the paradise you receive when you get there!" So, their commercials are very annoying, but their low prices can't be beat.

who cares what my name is - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment

Maybe that explains why there's always so many crowds there?

Meriadoc - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment

Excellent parody! I absolutely refuse to shop there.

Johnny D - June 21, 2004 - Report this comment

There's probably some way to add up the letters in "Wal-Mart" to equal The Number of The Beast 666, but you'll just have to settle for 555.

Wendy M. - April 30, 2005 - Report this comment

I have long considered Walmart to be a "false Prophet"! Does anyone sell Tee shirts with the Walmart Logo superimposed with the "don't do this symbol" ,whatever it's called? I want one now and I pledge to wear it a lot!!!

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