It's…super-itchy epidermis-excavatin’ scabies
Even though it’s bothersome, it’s not as bad as rabies
Got a job at KinderSchool an’ passed it round to babies
Itchy like a mangy collie if you suffer scabies

I diddle, diddle, diddle, I diddle, aye
I diddle, diddle, diddle, I diddle, aye
I diddle, diddle, diddle, I diddle, aye
I diddle, diddle, diddle, I diddle, aye

I went to see a Harley quack…my genitals were red
I told him I’ve an itchy sack…an’ this is what he said:
“I have the stuff to do the trick…for what you get from hoes”
“An itchy dick is sorted quick…a fixer for your woes”

Oh…had to rub it ev’rywhere from neck to lower digit
Coz I’m such a big ‘un I used more of than a midget
If you have it bad enough, you're always bound to fidget
Got it from a nasty hooker by the name o’ Bridget

I diddle, diddle, diddle, I diddle, aye
I diddle, diddle, diddle, I diddle, aye
I diddle, diddle, diddle, I diddle, aye
I diddle, diddle, diddle, I diddle, aye

I rubbed it all around myself…exactly how it’s meant
It did the job an’ I would say…that stuff is Heaven sent
Got drunk on margaritas…so I thought I’d make whoopee
I had another whore…an’ soon it hurt to have a wee

Oh…bonkin’ with a manky hoe: tequila I’d been swillin’
Even though she whiffed a bit, the grog had made me willin’
Rougher than an ursine butt, it wasn’t very thrillin’
Got a dose o’ clap an’ so I needed penicillin

Ow, piddle, piddle, piddle, ow, piddle, aye
Ow, piddle, piddle, piddle, ow, piddle, aye

You know, I heard of a legend where they…
Put a brolly needle in to extricate the knob pus
But that's going a bit too far, don't you think?

But when you get a dose o’ clap…there's no need for dismay
The clinic is on hand…for when you've had a dodgy lay
I wish I’d done it secretly…for it has wrecked my life
I’m an eejit (yes!)
Last night I went to sort it out…an’ took along the wife
Oh, an’ a crazy bitch she is, too

She's…super fit an’ pugilistic: used t’ be a fighter
She is so antagonistic: said, “You mucky blighter”
Then I almost lost a knacker coz she is a biter
An’ she burnt my tallywacker with a ciggie lighter