I bought a toaster and I have to take it back
No matter what goes in, it comes out mostly black
I pull my crumpets out before they decompose
I have to scrape those crumpets till their darkness goes

I bought a barbecue - I have to take it back
No matter what it cooks, it ends up charcoal black
it burnt my bratwurst, and a tropical kebab
The fire brigade arrived while it was grilling crab

I look inside myself to see if I'm to blame
"Absolutely not!" I write on my insurance claim
If they believe me, I won't have to face the facts
I will continue to take faulty items back

No-one but me do these misfortunes happen to
I could not foresee these things happening to you
If I look hard enough there's someone else at fault
Accountability comes with a grain of salt

I bought an iron - now I have to take it back
It added to my shirt a triangle of black
When I stamped out the fire I wrecked my favourite boots
Without some compensation, someone's getting sued

Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm

I'm a victim - take it back, take it back
It's a dud, clear as mud
I won't take the blame, it's such a shame
I wanna take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it back
Yeah....