A long time ago on a mountain green
I gazed up at the Matterhorn such a tranquil scene
I heard a sound scream like the air was being torn
And I knew I just had to have an alpenhorn

There are oboes, violas for symphonies
Some rumpty-tum tubas and some tympanis
Some flutes and lutes and piccolos
But sure as you're born
The loveliest of all is the alpenhorn

Went home to Virginny - I was seeking fame
And I said "I know how to stake my claim"
So I phoned up to Zurich - filled out a credit form
Bought me an alpenhorn

Don't want none of those oboes, violas for symphonies
No rumpty-tum tubas or no tympanis
No flutes or lutes or piccolos
'Cus sure as I'm born
I'm gonna learn the alpenhorn

Imagine myself a-fillin' the halls
And I can just see myself doin' some of that curtain callin'
I'll play at the Opera House - Wembley too
You'll all love me when I am through

Hey y'all! You gotch'er bassoons, recorders and long trombones
Some mournful-voiced cellos and some xylophones
Some flutes and lutes and glockenspiels
They're sub-standard I scorn
They just can't match my alpenhorn

Now I practiced hard picturin' applause
I hoped to get auditions to sell some Ricola
A squeakin' and squawkin' 'till the cops came calling
Neighbors hate my alpenhorn

They love banjos or guitars or tambourines
Some castanets clicking or ukuleles
The neighbors cried "Close the door, 'cus the sound is deafnin'
And we just can't stand no more alpenhorn"

Now I'd thought of moving far off to Timbuktu
So I could play alone in all the mist and the dew
But the neighbors came down and took my alpenhorn away
And that's why you've never heard my alpenhorn to this very day

You'll hear oboes, violas for symphonies
Some rumpty-tum tubas and some tympanis
Some flutes and lutes and piccolos
But sure as you're born
You're never gonna hear my alpenhorn