[Instrumental intro]

Would you please buy me a device
that I can use when you're not home
please get one that fits nice and tight
'cause that will make me thrash and groan

Make sure the device is at least
as large as you
and better pick up extra batteries, too
a pack or two

Make sure the cable bill is paid
and I think that we should upgrade
The shows we get are way too staid
I need something to stimulate

[instrumental break]

I'll just watch shows with "Trip-Ex" rates
Don't care for those that are too tame
And then I'll turn on my device
and shove it in there all the way

In bed all day and night; and I will think of you
When you go to the store please get some anal lube
a large-size tube

You will be glad for this device
'Cause with it I won't need to stray
I will not need to roll the dice
I won't go out; in bed I'll stay

[instrumentals out to fade]