The Lyrics

A few of us Turtles were just sitting around, drinking and seeing how "politically incorrect" we could be. OS lyrics here. Midi here.

There's a bathroom line
And I ain't got time
Dripping down on knees
Got a tampon, please?

If you have one, let me know
Could you pass it down?
If you don't, well, anything
That is long and round

Can you lend me one?
Cramping ain't no fun (no, none)
Yes, I'm feeling pained
And my dress is stained

Making quite unmerry mess
And no fun woe be
Would you kindly very bless
Me with one OB?

Got a tampon, please?
(That's all I ask of you, honey)
Got a tampon, please?

Oh, oh, oh...
I'm way past spotting
Badly I'm bleeding
All over my shoe leather
Clumping and a-clotting
Plugging I'm needing
Down in my parts nether

'Cause you know I've got
This prob-lem that's getting worse
Scream or sob, how I hate "the curse"
It's tragic
Pants liners ain't thick enough
To band-age up my poor muff
So, I clamp my legs
Good-bye, wasted eggs

Now I need to leave
Blame it all on Eve (deceive)
And her apple trick
Coming fast and thick...

Could it maybe be you, Sir?
Lookin' quite gay, Tex --
Do you carry one for "her"? --
Lend me your Playtex

Got the monthly blues
Catching c*nthly ooze (old news)
Feeling ill at ease
Got a tampon, please?

Anyone who's peekin' down
There, so surely knows
'Cause it's even sneakin' down
Through my panty-hose

Got a tampon, please?
(Come on, give me a break, will you?)
Got a tampon, please?

I'd love to give you a lay, Jack
But you can bet this
Means that I won't screw you
Here's the time for payback:
Men, you don't get this;
I will give mine to you

Lemme tell you now...
Six days sans sinful sex
Curse! Can't cat 'cause Ko-tex
It's tragic

Can't stand "visits from my friend"
Will this period ever end?
So, I've got to go
'Cause here comes "Aunt Flo"

Can you be a sport?
I'm a quarter short (don't snort)
Before someone sees
Got a tampon, please?

If you have one, please say so
"Cause I need it bad
And it's gonna start to show
Can I poach a pad?

Can I get a loan
For my private zone (hormone)?
Mensal mis-er-ies
Got a tampon, please?

Can you spare one? Speak right up
Honey, don't be shy (or lie)
Or I'll have to use a cup
Or a cable tie

(Got a tamp- got a tamp- got a tampon, please?)

Ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa

There's a lengthy line
And I'm near supine
Grubby "guest" but meant, at least,
That I'm not knocked up
Not a "bless'd event" (nor yeast);
Four more weeks clocked up

(Got a tamp- got a tamp- got a tampon, please?)

Ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa
Freakin' birds and bees
Got a tampon, please....

(fade)

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User Comments

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AFW - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

Very bloody well, good...what an epic! by the time I got to the end I had a nose bleed....So, why do they call it a menstrual cycle? Shouldn't it be a womenstrual cycle?..5 maxis

Paree Dee - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

Omigosh, Tommy, are you sure you're not a girl? You soooo captured every highlight of those unforgettable days.... 'specially loved the six days sans sinful sex, lol... both alliterative and oh, so true... 5's all around !

Agrimorfee - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

Dear God, TT! You went down a primrose path there. Oh well, if distaff Para Dee approves, then I do too!

alvin rhodes - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

enchanting

Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

"Good-bye, wasted eggs" was for me - this close to Easter - the best line in this long awaited epos. I have to disagree on politically incorrect though, as long as Google Word Ads has well prepared catch phrase send-ups like "Menstrual Bleeding" and "Green Menstruation?" you're apparently just doing household funny cracks. :-)

Johnny D - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

TT, no ifs, ands, or buts about it --- you are a minstrel. Period. I had a swell time absorbing this parody.

Dee Range - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

Lots of great lines. "Can I poach a pad?" reminded me of Elaine on Seinfeld, asking the girl in the stall next to her if she could 'spare a square'. Good 'stuff'!

Stuart McArthur - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

wow, I can't believe how long that is - the Eve line made me LOL, TT, and special congrats for getting your rhyme for "month" through! - very witty stuff as usual - 555

Rick C - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

Sheesh! I'm speechless....555

Adagio - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

I had to find out what a green MALE turtle knew about tampons, periods and all the rest of the ..mess. This was cute, now I wonder about YOU!! : D 5's

Larry Hensley - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

Very well done, 555's

TT - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

AFW, thanks, good ones... Paree Dee and Agrimorfee, thanks; I too was concerned about distaff reaction; glad to know dis staff approves... alvin, thanks... Peter Andersson, thanks; sorry it took so long to post... and good point -- the ad people made it a household topic, not I... "cracks"? hmmm. (snicker)... Johnny D, thanks; four funny punnys from Juhnny; if I missed any, it's cuz it's late... Dee Range, thanks... don't try poached pads for breakfast, though... Stuart, thanks... same length as OS... figured if anyone was weird enough to like the "monthly" rhyme, it would be my mate SMA, and you didn't let me down, as usual :) :) (I think it got through 'cuz it's such a silly made-up adverb)... Rick C, thanks... Adagio, thanks... a lot of people wonder about me... and my post tomorrow 12 April should remove all doubt... Larry Hensley, thanks.

Red Ant - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

I've only dared write one song about this subject; this was much much better. TMGLTM, but your monthly rhyme and the 'cable ties' line were the best. I'd say you earned your redwings here, but your bottom comment negates that. 6.9s, err, 555.

Adagio - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

TT...you said: "a lot of people wonder about me... and my post tomorrow 12 April should remove all doubt... "

Then I don't. You're just an ordinarily green whatever! : d

Adagio - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

TT...I have an icon for you, you have PMs? (he he)

TT - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

Red Ant, thanks... you mean I dont earn the wings just by swimming in it? Darn :) :) ... Adagio, isn't the name "PMS" already taken here? ;-)

sean - November 16, 2006 - Report this comment

I happen to be a Catholic Ultra Right Wing Conservative, and i dont like these tampon commercial ads being aired on national network tv, these commercial ads are unsanitary, offensive, indecent and disturbing. I feel that the FCC needs to stop the tampex or Kotex corperation from advertising these dirty indecent commercial on national network tv due to its indecentness and offensiveness to all telivision veiwers. Tampon commercial ads maybe a freemarket thing to make money, but they are advertising tampon commercial ads to basically publicize womens personal BUSINESS out to the media to where its embarrasing to the female gender. A product that elaborates on the female bodily function shouldnnt be advertised on tv stations because we as neo-conservatives feel a womens personal bodily functions should be hidden away behind closed doors. To show a discusting commercial ad like this is very unsanitary, gross , offensive and down right disturbing to all tv veiwers. Any women with Conservative values, class, decency and sophistications and shame, would not expose a box of tampons in front of a whole store full of costumers. To me when a female exposes a box of tampons while shopping , shows she is trash, she has no class, no shame and not embarrased about the fact that she is buying a product that is used for bodily functions. I feel tampon ads should be advertised only on the womens lifetime channel network where it wont offend many Ultra conservative veiwers or advertised through the mail or in super market aisle sections

Immoral Liberal - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment

Sean - are you an idiot or what? Ter-Loon isn't even this much of an a-hole. Hopefully, you're putting us on here. Otherwise, could I suggest professional help for you?

TT - November 24, 2006 - Report this comment

Hmm, I drop by for the first time in six months, and find a very-delayed-reaction argument... Immoral Liberal, thanks for the defense, but I do take sean as a put-on... otherwise, I suppose decent men and women can't buy toilet pap-- excuse me, 'bathroom tissue". Or Kleenex, as blowing one's nose is a bodily function... What about the ED ads (Viagra, etc.), with their warnings: "If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours, consult your doctor, after first calling this list of eager women"... Me, I just plop the tampons right down on the checkout counter between the ketchup and the pizza.

Peregrin - October 04, 2007 - Report this comment

Muwahaha. Perfecto. Love the way you managed to work Merry into the lyrics as well :)

Tommy Turtle - October 04, 2007 - Report this comment

Peregrin: LOL! Would love to take credit for that, but it was an unintentional reference, just a rhyme for "very"... but perhaps it was TT's subconscious speaking, or perhaps the aliens who control his brain? Thanks Pippin -- hope Merry is weller (?) and perhaps she'll get a chuckle from it as well.

Guy - October 20, 2007 - Report this comment

TT - Got here through your Oct 19, 2007 parody you wrote titled Is Your Purse A Gun Holder? http://www.amiright.com/parody/misc/paulanka6.shtml So this IS actually the 1st ragtime parody on the site. I honestly thought you were pointing me to an actual ragtime tune in parody. This one is over the top. Unlike Sen Craig who was under the bottom, with his "men's stall" tactics this is extremely tactical and well versed. High 5s

Tommy Turtle - October 20, 2007 - Report this comment

Guy, thanks. I cannot tell a lie -- others have trodden this subject well before TT's arrival at the site. Thanks for stopping by and for votes and comments.

Guy - October 21, 2007 - Report this comment

OK - You got me again, but it is the 1st one written by a turtle who will swim in the Red River but not drink of it. Chao, my esteemed lyrical associate.

TT - October 21, 2007 - Report this comment

Back at ya, Guy!

TJC - January 17, 2009 - Report this comment

Absolutely brilliant... incredible that quality so perfectly maintained over so extended an OS... I echo Peregrin, Stu, Johnny, Rick C's sentiments/comments.

Tommy Turtle - January 18, 2009 - Report this comment

TJC, glad you found the quality commenstruate with your standards :) thanks for r/v/c.

Glen S - March 30, 2012 - Report this comment

Yikes. I feel like I just saw one of those commercials that lures you in for 30 full seconds before asking you if you feel 'FRESH'. Well done structurally, TT.

Tommy Turtle - March 31, 2012 - Report this comment

Glen S: It's a perfectly-natural bodily function, affecting half the populace, so no need to feel uncomfortable ... but I guess you don't want to read the follow-up, which carried it all the way through to the end (namely, menopause),

http://www.amiright.com/parody/60s/peterpaulandmary43.shtml

Thanks for v/c... and I must admit, it's my favorite "structure". ;-D

Meriadoc - August 20, 2012 - Report this comment

TT - another great one - fave line: 'well anything that is long and round'. Always good to read about a visit from george-with-the-red-hair AKA My Menstruental Friend (

Meriadoc - August 20, 2012 - Report this comment

Finally! I keep screwing up my comments and it won't let me fix them for an hour. That last one should have had an arrow pointing at the final word and a parenthetical "(shameless self plug)" after it. Although maybe in light of the subject matter, 'plug' isn't a good term...

Tommy Turtle @ Meriadoc - August 21, 2012 - Report this comment

Guess I'll have to e-mail you how to re-post in less than an hour, as there are very good reasons for the prevention of "flooding" (perhaps not a good word in light of subject matter?) -- too many comments "flowing" (ditto) from one orifice....

Arrows, by which is presumably meant angle brackets, or "greater/less than" math signs, get parsed as HTML (I think Pip knows about that, but feel free to ask for e-labor-ation), and that probably (OMG, I can't help it; it''s the *correct* term) aborted your comment.

Will visit George, perhaps sometime this month (I *kill* with this stuff! No, *really! ;), as he visits you, unless you've reached the stage described in the PP&M "Puff" parody that (ahem) you inspired *and have already kindly v/c'd*. So, NO plug needed. (heh heh -- TBPH, TT has used the "plug" gag when referring to this song. Great minds run in the same gutter...

Almost forgot -- thanks for v/c! (Can't remember *anything* any more... :( )

Full-O-Paean F(r)olic-All-ready V/C'd @ Memory-Doc (needed) - August 21, 2012 - Report this comment

Re: George Of The Jungle:

Tommy Turtle - October 03, 2007 - Report this comment
Why shouldn't sex invulva towel and washing machine? ... Women -- they hate it when they have it; they hate it when it's gone... go figure... :) 555 ... and "George" was a new one here also.

Put This In Your Pipe And Tamp On It - August 21, 2012 - Report this comment

@ Merry: Since you used up a plug (heh!), and for a parody advocating against swimming in the Red River, TT gets to plug one advocating diving in any time of the month,

"You're Filled Up With Menses"

http://www.amiright.com/parody/70s/johndenver111.shtml

Peregrin - August 21, 2012 - Report this comment

I thought this was great! No dolmio grin for you I see!

Tommy Turtle - August 21, 2012 - Report this comment

Peregrin: Sorry, I had to Wiki "Dolmio". Web site is .co.uk, and it appears to be a UK/CW subsidiary of (US) Mars foods. But there is a perfect spaghetti sauce brand here in the US (no joke): "Ragu™ "

Sometimes, the Punnery Gods bless us .... ;-D ... thanks for the comment!

Alpha Skua - July 24, 2018 - Report this comment

The song of all politicians running for office TAKE A CHANCE ON ME the Muppet show version used these Birds bouncing on wires

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