Song Parodies -> "The Rise of BCS 9000"

Original Song Title:

"Summer Night City"

^(MP3)

Original Performer:

"The Rise of BCS 9000"

Parody Written by:

The Lyrics

From the disco opera "TCU." The scene now shifts to de facto BCS headquarters in Tempe, Arizona on the morning of 3 September 2009, so it is a three-month flashback from the previous scene in which Boise and TCU mourn their snub from the BCS title game. As the scene opens, we see BCS officials (including the ACC, Big East, Big Ten, Big 12, Pac-10 and SEC conference commissioners) gathered at table for a continental breakfast, discussing how to control the college football postseason even more forcefully than they are already doing. Suddenly, an eavesdropping mechanic suggests reviving the long-dormant computer known as the Binary Crossplatform Subnet or BCS 9000. As Pac-10 commish Tom Hansen (who will retire at the end of the school year) objects, the computer was shut down temporarily after Oregon and USC failed to make the title game in 2001 and 2003 (respectively) and permanently after California were left out of the BCS altogether in 2004; the Golden Bears, as mentioned in "As Sad as Suh," were upset by Texas Tech due to their letdown at the hands of the coaches voting in the USA Today poll. However, Big 12 commish Kevin Weiberg (2009-10's BCS commish) suggests giving it a shot in light of the advent of the double-hosting format first implemented in the 2007 BCS bowls, which supposedly gave lesser leagues a better shot. Weiberg's argument is so convincing, the BCS board of commissioners quickly approves the resurrection of BCS 9000. For this parody and some others in this endeavour, I followed an article in the 5 August 2010 issue of The Onion, though not slavishly. You will either need to obtain a print copy of the issue or follow the link after the lyrics. No matter how you slice it, this is about how self-interested and whiny the BCS conference officals are when they are this protective against the needs of midmajors.

(Spoken prelude)
Kevin Weiberg: The beginning of another promising season of college football is upon us with five games tonight, two more tomorrow night and then Saturday begins ABC's season of gridiron coverage. Let me say, however, that we seem to be losing our grip on how the postseason is conducted. You see, Congress has wrongfully accused us of violating the Sherman Antitrust Act. What do you say?

(As the officials argue, a young computer technician named Jacob Hahn eavesdrops on the debate and, after a few minutes, he knocks on the door.)

Tom Hansen: Who goes there?
Hahn: I hear you're afraid you'll lose control over the postseason, so I have a suggestion.
Big Ten commish Jim Delany: A suggestion? Hogwash! What do you know about how the BCS works?
Hahn: Well, it's my duty to make sure you maintain your control over the bowl system. Just yesterday, I found something that could help: BCS 9000, which has been dormant the last five years. Why don't you resurrect it?
Hansen: Resurrect BCS 9000? Is your mind f**ked up? That godforsaken computer robbed my conference three times in four years and you want to bring it back from the dead?!?
Weiberg: Actually, it's not a bad idea. We need a central system to determine the matchups for the biggest bowls when Selection Sunday comes in December.
(Music starts slowly)

Intro. (Weiberg)
Ever since the double-hosting
By a bowl came into force,
We have always pondered questions
That could never run their course
Without answers to them all.
How will we improve football? (music abruptly speeds up)

Refrain I.
Hahn: Fix the computer! (2x)
There is only one solution that will save you:
Fix the computer.

Weiberg: If you heed the very words he speaks, he'll save you;
Fix the computer.

Stanza I.
Hansen: Three times, my own conference was snubbed
From '01 unto '04:
Golden Bears and Ducks and Trojans
All were left to feel so poor.
Do you intend to torture me
By taking old 9000's key?

Hahn: I intend no malice, Tommy,
Towards the conference that you run.
Rather, BCS 9000
Will allow you to have fun.
It will give all six of you
Lots of fun and riches too.

Refrain II.
Weiberg: It's the key to fairness if you know how to use it;
Revive the computer.
Hahn: I will take some measures so none should abuse it;
Revive the computer.

Stanza II.
Weiberg: Take your tools and send the message
To your fellow mechanics:
Bring out BCS 9000
And rewire it by day six.
We certainly need definition
For each team's ranking and position.

Hahn: I will take your very order
To my friends in tech support.
By day six it will be ready;
Not one wire will e'er be short.

Hansen: Very well, but please do make sure
That you make it as was meant.
We don't need no playoff system;
Congress will not make a dent!
The bowl system's working fine
Even if midmajors whine.

Tag.
Hahn: Here I go to work now; in six days and five nights
I'll start the computer.
No man's common sense here will give one of us fright;
I'll start the computer.

(Ad lib and fade)

The article at The Onion's website.

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Old Man Ribber - August 20, 2010 - Report this comment

Nice work. Easier and more accessible than the BCS formuli ever was. And doesn't Congress have enough stuff to do already? ;D

Edward Genereux - August 20, 2010 - Report this comment

Actually, I support a playoff system in college football; but that said, I would like the NCAA, not Congress, to implement it. Remember, this disco opera is pro-playoff and I came up with a system to conduct the playoff. Here's how it would work: The first step would be the abolition of subdivisions in Division I football because no other sport in Division I has them; and if they were allowed to exist with a playoff for each, that would be redundant. Instead, there would be just one D-I playoff to determine a major-college national champion. Now NCAA rules state that no more than half the field of each NCAA-sanctioned championship can be automatically qualified. As there are 24 conferences in FBS (formerly I-A) and FCS (formerly I-AA) combined, a reunified playoff of at least 48 teams would be necessary under NCAA rules. The other 24 would be at-large bids selected by an NCAA Division I football committee based on performance during the season. All teams would be seeded in eight regionals, 1 through 6, according to the method similar to that used by the NCAA for basketball since 1979, with the top two seeds in each regional receiving a bye. The playoffs would start on the second weekend of December for the wild-card round, followed by the second round the following week and regional finals (Sweet 16) on the Saturday closest to Christmas (or Christmas Eve if Christmas Day falls on a Saturday). As for why there are eight regionals instead of only four, we come to the Elite 8, which would begin on New Year's Day with four bowls of the five to be integrated into the playoff under my plan (the four current BCS bowls plus the Cotton Bowl, which was a first tier bowl until the mid-90s and deserves that status again). That way, the remaining bowl, which would rotate among the five games every year, would triple-host. The national semifinals would be held on 8 January, followed by the title game on the NFL's bye weekend before the Super Bowl to give football fans something to look forward to during the layoff after the NFL's conference title games. That way, academics would be kept at least almost intact. To be fair, I would keep many of the other bowls intact, but raise the requirement for bowl eligibilty to seven wins over Division I squads. That way, the mushrooming of bowl games could be curtailed.

John Jenkins - August 22, 2010 - Report this comment

I did not mind the old bowl system. If there were frequent questions about who the best team in the country was, so what? What's wrong with a little ambiguity in (what is supposed to be) an amateur sport? Anyway, good spoof of all of the special interests involved.

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