Swear that I am star-crossed, where only harm abounds
Can't abide the disasters that are going down
Blowing up, I might as well stop showing up
Obscene there should be no good news, no good news
Nothing new, nothing new...

Tragedy: When you've got eight pawns but your queen is gone
It's tragedy
When the corn is high but the market's rye
Try to prepare
With no one to sell to, you've growin' despair
Tragedy: When you lose ski pole and you start to roll
It's tragedy
When you're hiking' high up a mountainside
You look o'er there
You're Turkish Delight for that Kodiak bear!

Doctors say there's a burning down inside of me
He searched with glove, now I'm learning fast 'bout STD's
Sacre bleu! Found my willy has been hollowed through!
I really was so fond of you, fond of you
What to do? Now I'm screwed...

Tragedy: When you mow your lawn and you hit a fawn
It's tragedy
When the lightning strikes and it fries your bike
Your Harley's seared
With no more dinero, it's Hondas next year
Tragedy: When you find new soul mate is on parole
It's tragedy
When your private eye says there's much awry
With your affair
She's tricked and deceived you: she's no billionaire

(Insert short, sharp and slightly effeminate shriek here!)

Tragedy: When your only song is a Bee Gees one
It's tragedy
When you go apply your Rogaine supply
And it's not there
With nothing to rug you, you're stuck with no hair
Tragedy: When your teen just stole all your birth control
It's tragedy
To the Goodwill guys find your partner's thrown
your fav'rite chair
And all your new jockeys are made of mohair

(Slightly longer shriek!)

Tragedy: When the bigwigs gone and done stuffed Enron
It's tragedy
When the garbage strikes 'cus they want pay hikes
It's mal de aire
With no plastic bags left, you're startin' to swear
Tragedy: When you lose your roll down the toilet bowl
It's tragedy
When you're stung on eye by a tsetse fly
And no-one cares
The antibiotic is stuck in Zaire

Tragedy: When the curtain's drawn 'cus you're watching porn
It's tragedy
With a rueful sigh and a gel supply
Watch wear and tear!
With no one to love you, you play solitaire...