ACT III, Scene 2

(JOE BIDIN’ materializes, wearing sunglasses and grinning.)

TYRO: I can see why he wears shades; the reflection from his teeth is blinding.

SULLEN: He brandishes his Chiclets, and panicking, the chicks fret.

(JOE approaches SULLEN and TYRO and addresses them smarmily.)

JOE: Listen folks, here’s the deal: They tried to dig up phony dirt on me and my son in Ukraine, in order to hurt my election chances. What a bunch of malarkey! But who’s leading the Dems now? (He points his thumbs toward his chest, which he puffs up, and bray proudly) This guy!! And who’s going to beat that Socialist guy for the nomination? That guy…I mean, this guy! (Again with the thumbs.)

When December, uh, November rolls around, I’m going to beat that orange quid pro[stitute] quo like a drump. So let’s tell it like it is. It was a shakeup…shakedown.


“Latin-Say”
(Parody of “Cabaret”)

You can talk like academia looms
in the world of today.
And you can Latin-say or come
out with an English way.
Better than acting like you’re in classrooms
and closeted away.
Why not ditch Latin-say and run
with English words today?
It’s about bribes
for the bagman.
It’s time to start uncomplicating,
scratch the Latin bloviating.
For such words as a “shakedown” make room;
“coercion” is okay.
It’s true that “quid pro quo” is one
way to phrase what you say.

No need sound as if you came from Chelsea,
took Latin at Cambridge because you’re wealthy.
A US cadence has sufficient power
to name what we see more of every hour.
You needn’t be an academic linguist
to say in plain US English “quid” is “this,”
and “pro” is “for”, that’s all that this word means.
And “quo” is “that” as in bribery schemes.

Things could get confusing with Latin-say;
his “this for that “is clearly on display.
Enough to make one see end coming soon—
he gives U.S. away.
Wiped out will be four years, he’s chums
With Vlad, out Moscow way.
2020, yes, 2020—
if we’re alive and voting-healthy,
when we choose, gotta someone else be.
(And take note: That someone shall be me.)

Till then we’re stuck with the agent with rug groom,
who’d give our land away.
With our antagonists he’s chum.
If he prevails, the country’s done.
So pray for my classy way.

(JOE exits, mumbling confusedly.)


SULLEN: Let’s get out of here. I’ll show you a few sights in neighboring Alexandria.

TYRO: Like Olde Towne and Gadsby’s Tavern?

SULLEN: Not exactly. Come on.

(They exit; blackout)