CHORUS:
Nobody writes me letters, makes me feel like a dweeb
Nobody writes me, 'cuz they don't want to, everybody's mean

You say you mailed them, but somehow you lose them
And tried to blame it on the mailman
You find ways to avoid me, but that just annoys me,
'Cuz even Ed McMahon ignores me too
And nobody writes me letters
Though sometimes junk mail I will get
Nobody writes me, or even calls me
Why does everyone forget?
The way people feel, when they open that seal
As if there was money in that envelope
What keeps them from writing, can't be too exciting
Why do I always feel like a dope? And

(Chorus)

Everybody's mean, everybody's mean, everybody's mean