Great story, great job....St. Patrick's Day must be a real inspiration to parodists...Fine entries are dotting the AIR field like Spring dandelions, today

I've followed this story...you've done a devilishly good job here. Can we use this as background music for the next Richard Simmons exorcise video?

Beats the "hell" out of the original song. Never saw "The Exorcist" movie, but I thought the book was absolutely hilarious. Jesus didn't make a big production number out of exorcising demons, He just told them to leave, and they left. You tell a very vivid story, I can picture the titanic struggle between good and evil.

"50 exorcisms a week" - Even assuming he does 100 hours of work a week that means it no more than a standard 2 hour routine per possetion, coffee breaks not counted for...

Great song!! Exorcising some fives out of me!

Adding a second comment here I just gotta say that I think that those 50 exorcisms a week is quite a set up for another parody from you, one to the tune of "50 ways to leave your lover", and also that such a song might even be playable on your accoustic performance seassions, maybe...

The only way to exorcise the Vatican is to get the Ratz out of the ship of state.

:-) Thanks all...

AFW - Is it St Patrick's day? No wonder the Torygraph was running a "science" story about Guinness bubbles

OMR - I was wondering when the exorcise video was coming out, too

Patrick - I'm not sure you've really got the point.. try re-reading the last verse

Peter - OK.. seeing as you insist - I've just submitted a "50 ways to Banish Satan".. but I can't stand playing 50 ways: too many weird chords that I just can't bend my fingers into (might try giving this one a go, though. Using kazoo instead of violin)

JB - Pope Palpatine, you mean?

..security code "2FU" :-)

Very creative!

I was looking for a parody on the fact that the Pope himself is now implicated in the scandal of physical and sexual abuse of children by priests, bishops, etc. Almost did one, but got sidetracked by other topics.

DK this story until the link. Got a voodoo-ish tinge to it (no offense to Church members; it's not your fault.) I exorcise my right to give you both 555 and a plug (no obligation nor offense taken if duly ignored):
          "The Circles That You'll Find In Hell", a parody (synopsis, actually; it doesn't mock it) -- dare I say "exegesis" without being accused of punning?) of Dante's "Inferno", a classic work, as you well know, of Catholic theology.
          http://www.amiright.com/parody/60s/dustyspringfield47.shtml

This was such an eerie tale and almost as haunting as the real life story.

TT - something like this?
Half a gross of paedophile priests
A-picking on the weak'll
Need cov'ring up by the Catholic Church
Pope! What a weasel

I don't really believe in supernatural evil, but if one does believe, he can achieve the same effects as if it did exist.

Do you know where I can purchase an exorcise bike?

@Cyclist.. Hellfords?

Checked Halford's site, and various encyclicals, but no exorcise bikes offered. Realized in meantime that I would also like to order a Pope-houri, if available. (Amazon doesn't seem to carry them). 555

One doesn't have to be possessed or even a Satanist to do his will. All you have to do is your own will over the will of God. All sinners have original sin as well as their personal sins after the age of accountability (13). All who reject Jesus Christ as Lord and his free salvation are lost in sin. Why focus on the Vatican when the whole world is fallen and Satan is the God of this world? Btw, fallen angels do not seek to possess a human body or even animal. Demons do which are the product of Gen 6 between fallen angels and human women. Satan isn't a rival God, btw, but a fallen cherubim class of angel. He can't be omnipresent, omnipotent, or omniscient. He's just a liar and conniver.

Thank you, "But for the Cross," alias Rob, for your latest communiqué from 635 A.D. May I update it with the latest video, which gives a thumbnail sketch of the religious right in the U.S.? https://vid.me/3hrx

@ Father Amorth the Younger. The video was very informative, but didn't answer this burning question, "Why is 'Satan' an anagram of 'Santa'?". Also, (if RA is correct that he is not omnipresent) does he somehow know if you've been bad or good?

@Cyclist - you may have checked Halford's site.. but what about his songs (especially played backwards :-) )?

@But for the Cross - thing is, nobody knows what "his" will is, and people always seem to want to use a god as justification for the nasty and hateful things they do.. so how's anyone to know it actually is their god speaking and not their own psychosis? As to the "why focus on the Vatican", read the story I linked to above. Apparently the Devil is everywhere in the Vatican, even after being exorcised a few tens of thousands of times.

First of all, Satan and Devil are descriptive names for the fallen Cherubim angel Helel (Hebrew for Light of God not Latin Lucifer or Light-bearer). Satan is accuser and Devil is tormentor. And No, he has no omnipresent abilities. His description as Holy Angel pre-fall was perfect in strength, beauty, and wisdom and his title was Guardian of God's Presence. Second, as for YHWH's will, there is a difference between basic will and perfect will in each individual believer's life. Basic will is found in the Word of God. Love God with all your heart and strength and love all unconditionally. Then there is the Great Commission to preach the Gospel to everyone on earth. That is God's basic will. As for each believer, there is a plan. To some, God reveals His will in a mighty way such as deliverance and subsequent ministry. Others may take longer to discern where God has placed them for X-purpose. Still others must seek out God's plan by simple faith over a long time. Seek and you will find. The Word also says that many of the faithful will perish due to a lack of vision. We all need direction. And stop blaming God for abuses of His Word and for deceitful practices of those _claiming_ to be Christians. Only those born again of the spirit are truly saved, sins forgiven and sustained by grace.

The problem I have with that is that there is no way to distinguish between those who indulge in deceitful practices, those who honestly yet erroneously believe what they're doing is divine will, and those who may be following the will of a deity - I suggest your reasons for thinking you can tell one from the other are more to do with your own self-delusion than anything remotely divine.

Phil, you will not be saved unless you reach the the perfection of Rob. As of now the Plan is for you to reside in Hell. Do you know what Hell is? Let me explain:
Hell is a strait and dark and foul-smelling prison, an abode of demons and lost souls, filled with fire and smoke. The straitness of this prison house is expressly designed by God to punish those who refused to be bound by His laws. There, by reason of the great number of the damned, the prisoners are heaped together, the walls of which are said to be four thousand miles thick: and the damned are so utterly bound and helpless that, as a blessed saint, Anselm, writes in his book on similitudes, they are not even able to remove from the eye a worm that gnaws it.
They lie in exterior darkness. For, remember, the fire of Hell gives forth no light. As, at the command of God, the fire of the Babylonian furnace lost its heat but not its light, so, at the command of God, the fire of Hell, while retaining the intensity of its heat, burns eternally in darkness. It is a never-ending storm of darkness, dark flames and dark smoke of burning brimstone, amid which the bodies are heaped one upon another without even a glimpse of air. Of all the plagues with which the land of the Pharaohs were smitten one plague alone, that of darkness, was called horrible. What name, then, shall we give to the darkness of Hell which is to last not for three days alone but for all eternity?
The horror of this strait and dark prison is increased by its awful stench. All the filth of the world, all the offal and scum of the world, we are told, shall run there as to a vast reeking sewer when the terrible conflagration of the last day has purged the world. The brimstone, too, which burns there in such prodigious quantity fills all Hell with its intolerable stench; and the bodies of the damned themselves exhale such a pestilential odor that, as Saint Bonaventure says, one of them alone would suffice to infect the whole world. The very air of this world, that pure element, becomes foul and unbreathable when it has been long enclosed. Consider then what must be the foulness of the air of Hell. Imagine some foul and putrid corpse that has lain rotting and decomposing in the grave, a jelly-like mass of liquid corruption. Imagine such a corpse a prey to flames, devoured by the fire of burning brimstone and giving off dense choking fumes of nauseous loathsome decomposition. And then imagine this sickening stench, multiplied a millionfold and a millionfold again from the millions upon millions of fetid carcasses massed together in the reeking darkness, a huge and rotting human fungus. Imagine all this, and you will have some idea of the horror of the stench of Hell.
Stay tuned for Part 2.

Back to stench: It is not, horrible though it is, the greatest physical torment to which the damned are subjected. The torment of fire is the greatest torment to which the tyrant has ever subjected his fellow creatures. Place your finger for a moment in the flame of a candle and you will feel the pain of fire. But our earthly fire was created by God for the benefit of man, to maintain in him the spark of life and to help him in the useful arts, whereas the fire of Hell is of another quality and was created by God to torture and punish the unrepentant sinner. Our earthly fire also consumes more or less rapidly according as the object which it attacks is more or less combustible, so that human ingenuity has even succeeded in inventing chemical preparations to check or frustrate its action. But the sulphurous brimstone which burns in Hell is a substance which is specially designed to burn for ever and for ever with unspeakable fury. Moreover, our earthly fire destroys at the same time as it burns, so that the more intense it is the shorter is its duration; but the fire of Hell has this property, that it preserves that which it burns, and, though it rages with incredible intensity, it rages for ever.
Our earthly fire again, no matter how fierce or widespread it may be, is always of a limited extent; but the lake of fire in Hell is boundless, shoreless and bottomless. It is on record that the Devil himself, when asked the question by a certain soldier, was obliged to confess that if a whole mountain were thrown into the burning ocean of Hell it would be burned up In an instant like a piece of wax. And this terrible fire will not afflict the bodies of the damned only from without, but each lost soul will be a Hell unto itself, the boundless fire raging in its very vitals. O, how terrible is the lot of those wretched beings! The blood seethes and boils in the veins, the brains are boiling in the skull, the heart in the breast glowing and bursting, the bowels a red-hot mass of burning pulp, the tender eyes flaming like molten balls.
And yet what I have said as to the strength and quality and boundlessness of this fire is as nothing when compared to its intensity, an intensity which it has as being the instrument chosen by divine design for the punishment of soul and body alike. It is a fire which proceeds directly from the ire of God, working not of its own activity but as an instrument of Divine vengeance. As the waters of baptism cleanse the soul with the body, so do the fires of punishment torture the spirit with the flesh. Every sense of the flesh is tortured and every faculty of the soul therewith: the eyes with impenetrable utter darkness, the nose with noisome odors, the ears with yells and howls and execrations, the taste with foul matter, leprous corruption, nameless suffocating filth, the touch with redhot goads and spikes, with cruel tongues of flame. And through the several torments of the senses the immortal soul is tortured eternally in its very essence amid the leagues upon leagues of glowing fires kindled in the abyss by the offended majesty of the Omnipotent God and fanned into everlasting and ever-increasing fury by the breath of the anger of the God-head.
Consider finally that the torment of this infernal prison is increased by the company of the damned themselves. Evil company on earth is so noxious that the plants, as if by instinct, withdraw from the company of whatsoever is deadly or hurtful to them. In Hell all laws are overturned - there is no thought of family or country, of ties, of relationships. The damned howl and scream at one another, their torture and rage intensified by the presence of beings tortured and raging like themselves. All sense of humanity is forgotten. The yells of the suffering sinners fill the remotest corners of the vast abyss. The mouths of the damned are full of blasphemies against God and of hatred for their fellow sufferers and of curses against those souls which were their accomplices in sin. In olden times it was the custom to punish the parricide, the man who had raised his murderous hand against his father, by casting him into the depths of the sea in a sack in which were placed a cock, a monkey, and a serpent. The intention of those law-givers who framed such a law, which seems cruel in our times, was to punish the criminal by the company of hurtful and hateful beasts. But what is the fury of those dumb beasts compared with the fury of execration which bursts from the parched lips and aching throats of the damned in hell when they behold in their companions in misery those who aided and abetted them in sin, those whose words sowed the first seeds of evil thinking and evil living in their minds, those whose immodest suggestions led them on to sin, those whose eyes tempted and allured them from the path of virtue. They turn upon those accomplices and curse them. But they are helpless and hopeless: it is too late now for repentance.
Part 3 is nigh.

Last of all consider the frightful torment to those damned souls, tempters and tempted alike, of the company of the devils. These devils will afflict the damned in two ways, by their presence and by their reproaches. We can have no idea of how horrible these devils are. Saint Catherine of Siena once saw a devil and she has written that, rather than look again for one single instant on such a frightful monster, she would prefer to walk until the end of her life along a track of red coals. These devils, who were once beautiful angels, have become as hideous and ugly as they once were beautiful. They mock and jeer at the lost souls whom they dragged down to ruin. It is they, the foul demons, who are made in Hell the voices of conscience. Why did you sin? Why did you lend an ear to the temptings of friends? Why did you turn aside from your pious practices and good works? Why did you not shun the occasions of sin? Why did you not leave that evil companion? Why did you not give up that lewd habit, that impure habit? Why did you not listen to the counsels of your confessor? Why did you not, even after you had fallen the first or the second or the third or the fourth or the hundredth time, repent of your evil ways and turn to God who only waited for your repentance to absolve you of your sins? Now the time for repentance has gone by. Time is, time was, but time shall be no more! Time was to sin in secrecy, to indulge in that sloth and pride, to covet the unlawful, to yield to the promptings of your lower nature, to live like the beasts of the field, nay worse than the beasts of the field, for they, at least, are but brutes and have no reason to guide them: time was, but time shall be no more. God spoke to you by so many voices, but you would not hear. You would not crush out that pride and anger in your heart, you would not restore those ill-gotten goods, you would not obey the precepts of your holy church nor attend to your religious duties, you would not abandon those wicked companions, you would not avoid those dangerous temptations. Such is the language of those fiendish tormentors, words of taunting and of reproach, of hatred and of disgust. Of disgust, yes! For even they, the very devils, when they sinned, sinned by such a sin as alone was compatible with such angelical natures, a rebellion of the intellect: and they, even they, the foul devils must turn away, revolted and disgusted, from the contemplation of those unspeakable sins by which degraded man outrages and defiles the temple of the Holy Ghost, defiles and pollutes himself.

Please open your hymn books to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7F7_VvMlddk

@Phil: Rever-sed musical messages are too complicated for me. I presume 'Cyclist' can only travel forwards, not in reverse. In any case, aided by GCG's recent research, published at this site, I offer "Satan? I prefer piñatas". and "Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas." Please sit down, Holy Harry.

You, Devil's Daughter Sarah, dare tell Holy Hemorrhoid Harry to suffer sitting down? I rock your boat thusly:
You will be cursed in the city and cursed in the country.
Your basket and your kneading trough will be cursed.
The fruit of your womb will be cursed, and the crops of your land, and the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.
If that ain't enough, I spit in the milk of your goat.

@Holy Harry.. I'm guessing that was tongue-in-cheek. But the wholly holy can be bafflingly batexcrement bananas at times, so it's hard to be sure .

@Saraharas - those are kind of brilliant..

@HH; Thank goodness my only pet goat is a male mountain-goat. @Phil. I like 'Saraharas'. BTW, of the 'dromes used in lyrics of the 4 palin-parody-songs by the Coniglio family, half are from the classic palette of 'dromes, and they appear to have invented the rest. But beware that their demonic material is strongly disapproved of by HH, and a saintly troll named Otto. Best consult a religious advisor before reading.

Phil, as visiting Professor of Moral Certainty and Ultimate Frisbee at Bob Jones University, I gave this disquisition on the horrors of Hell at last week's Commencement. Disappointingly, it was met with gales of laughter. I am taking a sabbatical during which I will endeavor to turn the whole address into a palindrome, the Devil's most terrible product. Security code 666.

Professor of Moral Certainty and Ultimate Frisbee? ... Oor, hoor, hoor, hoor!! Now I knows you was funnin', Holy Harry. There aint no setch class at Bob Jones Yewniversity, oor, hoor, hoor! Yew shirley had me going thair fer a spel (or should I say a misspell)........ And to Phil,when I first saw your title, I was like, "Finally, a parody on the papacy of Pope Francis!"

I have no idea, CML, as to what 'spell-error' incited your mirth and invective. We all need to treat each other, even the verbose Holy Harry with respect. Otherwise, our fraternal communications will get degraded to double-edged greetings, like "To idiot:"

Sarah, I appreciate your defense but I think it was unnecessary. I was, in fact, amused by CML's comment and gratified that, after reading my self-caricature, he nailed the Bob Jones U. provincialism and, of course, caught on to the satire of my overly hot bloviation on Hell. CML is a smart guy, and together with Phil, another smart-ass, they were at first not quite sure of the intent of my prolixity. But James Joyce has the final hee-haw: The lecture is lifted from "Portrait of the Artist As a Young Man," Chapter 3.

What Holy Harry said, especially in the third line ;-D

Now then Sarah, if you look closely with a fresh perspective, perhaps you can see that I was merely engaging in a bit of word mischief. I basically misspelled an entire slew of words which ended with "for a spell" (meaning a little while) which I intentionally mispelled. So I was basically goofing on my own goof with that parenthetical comment .......... BTW, I've only recently caught on to what you're doing. It's highly amusing. You seem to have the ability to make some of these things up on the spot. I cant do that. "Harass Nepal, Sarah Palin." See what I mean?

"Yodel, Simone? No. Misled; oy!". But while BJU is not the most hightly reputed academic institution, they do have a mission to publish books, and I'm sure they use a spell-checker. BTW, I need some advice re planting hedges - didn't think of consulting a "yewniversity". (sec. code says YSH - perhaps I should seek out a "yewshiva")

/ A demonized writer, Miss Pell / Whilst possessed by confusion from Hell / Sighed, "My work brings no pride / 'Cause I sure can't decide / To exspell or disspell or mispell." / ....... Five lines of humor back and forth for the parody.

If yew dont know how to plant one of those hedges, SP, Hu does? Yes I think Hu does .. (know that is). So go ask him. I think you'll find him on First .... Failing that, just fly over to Yew-rope. I'm told those bushes are yewbiquitous over there.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/343751384027951575/

HELL and ETERNITY
Last and crowning torture of all the tortures of that awful place is the eternity of Hell. Eternity! O, dread and dire word. Eternity! What mind of man can understand it? And remember, it is an eternity of pain. Even though the pains of Hell were not so terrible as they are, yet they would become infinite, as they are destined to last for ever. But while they are everlasting they are at the same time, as you know, intolerably intense, unbearably extensive. To bear even the sting of an insect for all eternity would be a dreadful torment. What must it be, then, to bear the manifold tortures of Hell for ever? For ever! For all eternity! Not for a year or for an age but for ever. Try to imagine the awful meaning of this. You have often seen the sand on the seashore. How fine are its tiny grains! And how many of those tiny little grains go to make up the small handful which a child grasps in its play. Now imagine a mountain of that sand, a million miles high, reaching from the Earth to the farthest heavens, and a million miles broad, extending to remotest space, and a million miles in thickness; and imagine such an enormous mass of countless particles of sand multiplied as often as there are leaves in the forest, drops of water in the mighty ocean, feathers on birds, scales on fish, hairs on animals, atoms in the vast expanse of the air: and imagine that at the end of every million years a little bird came to that mountain and carried away in its beak a tiny grain of that sand. How many millions upon millions of centuries would pass before that bird had carried away even a square foot of that mountain, how many eons upon eons of ages before it had carried away all? Yet at the end of that immense stretch of time not even one instant of eternity could be said to have ended. At the end of all those billions and trillions of years eternity would have scarcely begun. And if that mountain rose again after it had been all carried away, and if the bird came again and carried it all away again grain by grain, and if it so rose and sank as many times as there are stars in the sky, atoms in the air, drops of water in the sea, leaves on the trees, feathers upon birds, scales upon fish, hairs upon animals, at the end of all those innumerable risings and sinkings of that immeasurably vast mountain not one single instant of eternity could be said to have ended; even then, at the end of such a period, after that eon of time the mere thought of which makes our very brain reel dizzily, eternity would scarcely have begun.

A holy saint was once vouchsafed a vision of Hell. It seemed to him that he stood in the midst of a great hall, dark and silent save for the ticking of a great clock. The ticking went on unceasingly; and it seemed to this saint that the sound of the ticking was the ceaseless repetition of the words - ever, never; ever, never. Ever to be in Hell, never to be in heaven; ever to be shut off from the presence of God, never to enjoy the beatific vision; ever to be eaten with flames, gnawed by vermin, goaded with burning spikes, never to be free from those pains; ever to have the conscience upbraid one, the memory enrage, the mind filled with darkness and despair, never to escape; ever to curse and revile the foul demons who gloat fiendishly over the misery of their dupes, never to behold the shining raiment of the blessed spirits; ever to cry out of the abyss of fire to God for an instant, a single instant, of respite from such awful agony, never to receive, even for an instant, God's pardon; ever to suffer, never to enjoy; ever to be damned, never to be saved; ever, never; ever, never. O, what a dreadful punishment! An eternity of endless agony, of endless bodily and spiritual torment, without one ray of hope, without one moment of cessation, of agony limitless in intensity, of torment infinitely varied, of torture that sustains eternally that which it eternally devours, of anguish that everlastingly preys upon the spirit while it racks the flesh, an eternity, every instant of which is itself an eternity of woe. Such is the terrible punishment decreed for those who die in mortal sin by an almighty and a just God.

Have a nice day.

Au contraire, HH! If you were to divide an attosecond by a supereon, even that infinitesimal duration, when spent in Hell, would be an eternity.

It is the highest sin to rebel against the order and will of God, and especially me. I expel you from Heaven. This goes on your Permanent Record Card.
Have a nice day.

Hell lasts an eternity only if you run out of Spam.

Yes, José my only begotten son. Bless Spam. It is almost a vegetable.

In my infinite mercy, I did not actually expel Hell's Angel. I merely unfriended him.

" Map set in Ifni: infinite spam ".

The Bible contradicts Holy Harry's Hell:
Those in hell are unconscious and so cannot feel pain. “There is no work nor devising nor knowledge nor wisdom in Sheol.”—Ecclesiastes 9:10.
Good people go to hell. The faithful men Jacob and Job expected to go there.—Genesis 37:35; Job 14:13.
Death, not torment in a fiery hell, is the penalty for sin. “He who has died has been acquitted from his sin.”—Romans 6:7.
Eternal torment would violate God’s justice. (Deuteronomy 32:4) When the first man, Adam, sinned, God told him that his punishment would simply be to pass out of existence: “Dust you are and to dust you will return.” (Genesis 3:19) God would have been lying if he were actually sending Adam to a fiery hell.
God does not even contemplate eternal torment. The idea that he would punish people in hellfire is contrary to the Bible’s teaching that “God is love.”—1 John 4:8; Jeremiah 7:31.

HTH, you must have one of those cheap Bibles from Amazon. My Morocco-bound, gilt-edged King James version has the following verse from Revelation 21:8 -- "But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death."

http://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/hell-bible-verses/

Same problem in your day as in mine to choose among different interpretations. Almost no good eyewitness accounts, and no on-site video. HH, Father Arnall, Father Amorth, followed up on John of Padmos insights, as did I. But remember that , apart from Aeneas and St Paul, no non-fictional human has reported back from Hell. But, in this venue, I should emphasize that my artist friend Michelangelo and I both found it (according some respect to contemporary political correctness) a great target for parody.

http://www.amazon.com/23-Minutes-Hell-Story-Torment/dp/1591858828#productDescription_secondary_view_div_1464004411719

Mygosh, I am jealous, after all those years I spent trying to conjure up the afterlife from afar! This guy gets a finite, TV-show-length visit to Hell as part of a realtors' junket without having to first languish in the dark savage wood. Travel has certainly improved since the 1300s!!!. And Weise's many books show that the experience has crystallized his wisdom on topics such as "Recession-Proof Living".

I do testify that while being in a coma for nine days I paid a near-death visit to Hell. Not a bad place if you like the color red. This is a common experience. Some folk visit Heaven. The stories are a-plenty. When I woke up the hem of my hospital gown was scorched and smoking.

Ahh, to hell with it.