(Verse 1)

A long, long time ago
I was young an’ slender
An’ my body used to make me smile
But I, now, don’t fit in my pants
My butt is like an elephant’s
An’, lately, ladies gag an’ run a mile

My doctor said I should be thinner
A smaller portion now for dinner
Bad food has a poor rep
But salads take too much prep

I can’t ingest ‘em, though I’ve tried
So I’ll go without that Waldorf side
A hamster’s lunch I can’t abide
No way – unless it’s fried

So…
Why, why, must I give up the pie?
I’m not wealthy; I’m not healthy; so, unhealthy I’ll buy
While them good ol’ cows are givin’ brisket to fry
Prob’ly, this’ll be the way that I die
This’ll be the way that I die

(Verse 2)

That red meat is what I love
But I might try breast of turtle dove
It’s a low fat treat, you know
Oh, I’d like to eat some hock of foal
In minted juice of water vole
But, think I’ll bake some veggie quiche real slow

Coz my doc said, “Man, you need to slim”
“An’ you should be pumpin’ in the gym”
At least six stone to lose
So I best lay off o’ the booze

I want a lovely loin, or flank, of buck
With a mink, Dalmatian, an’ a Pekin duck
For I know that the quiche’ll suck
Coz, hey, it ain’t been fried

My doc is sayin’
“My, my, you’re a boozy ol’ guy”
“Too much whiskey can be risky – an’ it’s risky to fry”
“You should be wise an’ givin’ salad a try”
“Or, surely, this’ll be the way that you die”
“This’ll be the way that you die”

(Verse 3)

Took me ten years to be skin an’ bone
I’ve lost that fat, an’ I’m ten-ish stone
At least dates now ain’t chargin’ me
I’m a single man on the single scene
An’, tonight, I’m makin’ them dames keen
I’ve a chance to take home two or three

Oh, there’s one in pink an’ one in brown
A three-way tryst is goin’ down
The pink one’s done a Bond
So perfect – and a blonde!

On my waitin’ head, the pink one parks
The brown one’s skills are on the mark
A three-way merge is such a lark
Today, my grin is wide

So I’m singin’
My, my, I’m a lucky ol’ guy
I got merry on the sherry: if no sherry, I’m shy
Them good ol’ broads were feelin’ frisky an’ high
I’m thinkin’, “Next’ll be a Jap an’ a Thai”
“Next’ll be a Jap an’ a Thai”

(Verse 4)

Limbo bimbo is a dummy dimbo
The bar’s set low, so it’s legs akimbo
All smiles here: her turn at last
She’s fallin’ down on her ass
The punters laugh at the drunken lass
But her father, on the sidelines, is aghast

Coz the long dark hair an’ sweet perfume
Make the bar gents hope to have her soon
We all like her to dance
Oh, in her camel toe hot-pants

When her brain is fried, her clothes are peeled
Her norks an’ buns are soon revealed
She jus’ came on to me, an’ squealed
“Today, I’m yours to ride”

I hear you singin’
“My, my, you’re a lucky ol’ guy”
“To be boozy with a floozy, when the floozy is Thai”
“Them good ol’ pants are showin’ plenty of thigh”
“I’m hopin’ this’ll be the way that I die”
“Bet I’d have to pay her to try”

(Verse 5)

Oh, so here we are all in this place
The geriatrics in disgrace
We’re so glad she likes older men
Oh, come on, don’t be simple; don’t be thick
Old chaps wantin’ a younger chick…
Is highest of the Chris’mas wishes penned

Oh, and as I touch her, on the stage…
Her pants are ventin’ whiffs of sage
No roses grown to sell…
Could beat that fragrant smell

Oh, now my brain’s burned out; I’m up all night…
To write this superficial shite
I hope you’ll be readin’ this despite…
The way my muse has died

Now I’m thinkin’
My, my, this is makin’ me sigh
Need an endin’ to be penned in, ‘fore I send in this Pie
Like kinky tales? Then, shall I wee on the Thai?
Or, maybe, give a bit of bondage a try?
Give a bit of bondage a try?

(Verse 6)

I met a girl who sank the booze
An’ I asked her, “Why the movie crews?”
But she just snarled, and said, “Obey”
It turned out she’s a bondage whore
Now I’m gagged an’ tied up on the floor
She’s about to make the movie here today

An’ all her films are bondage themed
In prior flicks, all the punters screamed
But not a word was spoken…
By gimp guys who were broken

Should be my vid you admire most
If timid, betcha’ll be really grossed
Check out her website for the post
Some play with poo was tried

An’ she was sayin’
“My, my, you’re a kinky ol’ guy”
“Though you’re shakin’ an’ you’re quakin’, I’m not makin’ you cry”
“An’ them poo-hole toys can bring a tear to an eye”
“Maybe, larger ones are what I will try”
“Larger ones are what I will try”

Bet you’re thinkin’
My, my, what a pervy ol’ guy
With the leather an’ the tether, don’t know whether I’d try
Them poo-hole toys can bring a tear to an eye
So I’m glad I’m at the end of your Pie