Intro:
Tom Turtle parodized Inferno*, got high votes;
His explanations occupied copious footnotes.
My aim is simpler - to show you more
A song to chant each Canto, and there’s thirty-four
To meet this challenge well
We’ll have to sing and play like Hell.

Dante:
Io cominciai, “Poeta che mi guidi
Primo che a l’alto passo tu mi fidi
Per che del venire m’abbandono?
Io non Enëa, Paulo non sono
Venirvi, chi’l concede?
Me degno a ciò? - nessuno’l crede."

I started in with Virgil, cause he’s our tour-guide,
“My manhood to those scary depths you plan t’ confide;
What if this adventure I now refuse?
- Aeneas and St. Paul gave this tour bad reviews.
I’m just a wuss, you’re wiser,
But I’m online with Trip Advisor."

Virgil:
S’i’ho bene la tua parola intesa
La tua anima è da viltade offesa
Da questa tema che tu ti solve
Dirotti perch’io venni e di te mi dolve
Tanto mio parlar ti promette
Di tre donne benedette.

Interpreting the apprehension that you’ve shared,
Never mind those apps, I’d say you’re bloody scared
To free you from anguish that you’re wimping out
I’ll tell you why I came and what it’s all about -
Three blessed chicks on high
Sent me to be a friendly spy.

Una bella donna mi chiamò, e m’ebbe ragionato questo
Li occhi lagrimando volse, mi fece del venir più presto.
Cominciò a dirmi…….

The cutest stopped chez moi, and conned me with this latest scoop,
Her tears said rescue him, and save him from his chicken-coop,
Here’s what she told me….…

Beatrice:
O anima cortese mantoana
Di cui la fama durerà lontana
L’amico mio e non de la ventura
È impedito nel cammin, che vòlt’è per paura
Forse sia già sì smarrito
Per quel ch’i’ho di lui udito.

O, author of the legend of Aeneas
My friend has got himself into a dodgy mess.
You deserve a Pulitzer, your fame lives f’rever,
But he’s stuck on a dead-end road, he’s not so clever;
He might be so damned lost
To rescue him’s not worth the cost.

Temo che sia tardi al soccorso levata
Or movi al suo campare, con la parola ornata
I’son Beatrice che ti faccio andare;
Amor mi mosse, che mi fa parlare;
Quando dinanzi al Segnor sarò
Sovente di te mi loderò.

To help him after I’ve been dawdling seems a reach,
But you might get him rescued, with your flowery speech.
It’s Beatrice who begs you get your ass in gear.
It’s only love that wants to get him out of there.
I’ll praise you to the Lord,
And hope you get a big reward.

Dirotti prontamente da che tu vuo’ saver a dentro
La vostra miseria non m’assale, non temo di venir qua entro
Fiamma non tange.

I’ll tell you right away, about the facts you’d love to learn
Your blues can’t bother me, Hell’s fire doesn’t make me burn.
I’m flame-resistant.

Donna è gentil nel ciel in seggio beato
Questa chiese Lucia in suo dimando
“Combatte la morte, il tuo fedele,”
E venni al loco dov’i’era con Rachele;
“Non odi’l suo pianto, e
Non soccorri quel che t’amò tanto?”

Our blessed Lady up in Heaven’s Chair was seated;
She called on her friend Lucy, and she thus entreated,
“Your faithful friend Dante’s confronting death.”
So Lucy came and told me not to waste one breath.
“Help the guy who loved you so;
Don’t treat him like he’s just some schmo.”

Al mondo non fur mai persone com’io ratte
A far lo pro e a fuggir loro danno dopo fatte
Cotai parole.

I put my make-up on, ran down here in my jogging-suit,
To beg, “Please find him in that slum, please help him find a better route
To get to Heaven.”

Virgil:
E venni a te così com’ella volse
Il cort’ andar del bel monte ti tolse
D’inanzi a quella fiera ti levai
Dunque che è? perché, perché restai
Perché virtude stanca,
Non sei una persona franca.

And so I beat a path up to this dingy wood,
Where any jerk can see the short way UP’s no good.
To climb to God’s City might make more sense
But there’s a junk-yard watch-dog and a barbed-wire fence
A detour can be found – We’ll have to go the long way ’round.

Dante:
“E tanto buono ardire al cor mi corse –
Le vere parole che ti porse
Tu hai con disiderio il cor disposto
Tu duca, tu segnore e tu maestro”
E poi che mosso fue
Un sol volere d’ambedue.

Bea’s words to you have geared me up, inflamed my heart
And now I feel I’m much more ready to depart
My leader, my teacher, yes, you’re the man!
We’re both in this together, and you’ve got the plan.
So down the path we shuffled,
And both of us felt more unruffled.

Intrai, intrai per lo cammino,
Lo cammino alto e silvestro.
Intrai, intrai per lo cammino,
Lo cammino alto e silvestro.

I’d started to enter what was hid
And soon we’d wander off the grid.
I’d started to enter what was hid
And soon we’d wander off the grid.

* Fiddlegirl and Tom Turtle published on AmIRight "The Circles That You Find in Hell" using the same original song in 2011.