Five steps I can hardly commandeer
Without coughing, hacking,
Puking up my lungs on someone's rear
I can see the neighbors wondering
Whether to dial 911
Or stand around and have a laugh
At this old, gasping man for fun

And my leg is in pain
But my doctor's on some beach in Spain
Guess I'll limp the streets alone
'Coz most accidents occur at home
Bad ticker - need a wheelchair and clapper, my friend
Holding up the traffic by Mattress City, and
LIke Shel Silverstein,
I wish this damn sidewalk would end

Young whippersnapper, running down the block
Someday your veins will harden
And there'll be age spots on your c**k
Don't think I'm some old fool
For gumming pre-digested meat
It goes down gracefully so there's more time to wheeze and pee

And my arm's going numb
So I'll smash law office fronts for fun
Guess I'll die here alone
Before they wheel me to an old age home
Bad ticker - need a priest and a hooker my friend
My heart needs a prayer and my dick needs one last lay-er, and
Like Led Zeppelin, my stairway has come to an end