(While Michael Jackson is talking at the beginning:)

CUSTOMER: Hi. I'd like the number for Acme Product Support, please.

DAVE: Hi. This is Dave. This call may be recorded. How can I help you?

(Music starts)

(1)
CUSTOMER: I've got a problem here
As my computer is beeping and I'm smelling this stinky-stink
This all started up yesterday
When I spilled my cereal on it!

Please help me now, it's the perfect time
Because half my system is covered with grime
And my mouse has got all screwed up
And my printer is a wreck!

(Refrain 1)
DAVE: Now did you read the
FAQ
Canned question list

And did you go to
Page A-2
And install that disk

That's all that I know
Yeah!

Because all that I
Know to do
To obtain my pay

Is to read manuals
Through and through
Mostly every day

I can't help you more!

Now hold on a second...
CUSTOMER: Wait! Don't -

(verse ends with elevator music, followed just before verse 2 by)
DEBBIE: Hello, Debbie speaking!

(2)
CUSTOMER: I've got a problem here
My monitor's now flashing, it's showing off a blinky-blink
It's gone all dark and fuzzy now
Looks like there are Wheaties in the case!

I spoke to Dave just a sec before
Didn't help at all, that obsequious bore
Can you help me at least clean up?
I'll tell you all that I know!

(Refrain 2)
DEBBIE: Now did you read the -
CUSTOMER: - FAQ [pronounced "fack"]! I tried!
And it didn't work!

DEBBIE: Bring up the help files.
CUSTOMER: How can I
If the screen is broke?

Think of something else!
Please!

DEBBIE: Reboot the system!
CUSTOMER: How can I
If the button's stuck?

DEBBIE: Just go unplug it!
CUSTOMER: Um, I can't!
The damn plug has sparks!

DEBBIE: Wait, I can help you there!
Listen here! Yes!

(3)
CUSTOMER: I am all ears!
OOF!
DEBBIE: What happened there?

CUSTOMER: Just shocked myself!

DEBBIE: Well, listen up!
CUSTOMER: OUCH!
Now help me out!

DEBBIE: Go to the keys, repeat after me

Control Q Escape L
CUSTOMER: Q Escape L

DEBBIE: Alt-Delete and Tab
CUSTOMER: Alt-Delete and Tab

DEBBIE: Plus sign Scroll Lock and X
CUSTOMER: Scroll Lock and X

DEBBIE: And the Apple key.
CUSTOMER: What damn Apple key?

DEBBIE: What, no Mac?
Be right back!
CUSTOMER: No!