You want me to know, that you feel terrible
I wish you’d shut up, it’s only a cold

A stronger version of ‘flu
At least according to you
And you went down with it late this evening
Although your symptoms are vague
You’d think that it was The Plague
Can’t take much more of your snuffling and wheezing

It’s a bug, it’s the ‘flu, it’s pneumonia too
Well I’ve made up a Lemsip for you
So just open wide, yeah
And every time you squeak in pain
You complain that your mum had the same
And she nearly died
Nearly died, but you’re still alive

Well I’m here to remind you
Not to cough and sneeze when you’re near to me
You stay there, in the bedroom
‘Cause you sure as hell won’t give it to me
You, you, you’ve caught a cold!

Yes I’m very well, thanks for asking
You’re not quite as well, for f#@k’s sake I know

Did I bring your Nurofen
Plump your pillows again
And can you bug me for a little hot dinner?
Now you’ve got snot on your face
Think you’re a terminal case
And if you are then I’m thinking, well, f#@k ya’

It’s Bird ‘Flu, it’s SARS, it’s a virus from Mars
Or the flesh-eating thing
That you saw once on CSI… Ohh!
Your tissues are all full of phlegm
And you like to inspect them and wail that you’re gonna die
Gonna die – well you’re still alive!

Well I’m here to remind you
Not to cough and sneeze when you’re near to me
You stay there, in the bedroom
‘Cause you sure as hell won’t give it to me
You, you, you’ve caught a cold!

Ohhh….. ughh…. ughhh…. uurrrrrggghhh…..

And the joke is you laid in your bed there
Until you remembered
That the Big Match is on tonight, wouldn’t you know it?
Well beer is not medicinal
But somehow it’s made you feel so much better
Ya’ feeling better?

Well I’m here to remind you
Not to cough and sneeze when you’re near to me
You stay there, in the bedroom
‘Cause you sure as hell won’t give it to me
You, you, you’ve caught a cold!

Yes I’m here to remind you
Not to cough and sneeze when you’re near to me
You stay there, in the bedroom
‘Cause you sure as hell won’t give it to me
You, you, you’ve caught a cold!