If I had a million dollars
(If I had $1,000,000)
I could not retire
('Less I die in three years)
If I had six million dollars
(If I had $6,000,000)
I'd buy a replica of Steve Austin
(That is the android astronaut, not the wrestler)
If I had twelve million dollars
(If I had $12,000,000)
I'd buy Flor'da Marlins
(Or, at least, their total salary)
If I had a hundred dollars
I'd go to their ga-a-a-a-a-a-a-ame.

If I had a thousand dollars
(I could buy a Wii on eBay)
If I had four thousand dollars
(That would pay my rent for 'bout three months)
If I had thirty-thou dollars
(I could buy a really nice, shiny new car...)

[But, then again, we couldn't take it anywhere, could we?]
(No, man. Those things only get, like, 15 miles to the pint.)
[And with gas prices these days...]
(Yeah, just leave it in the garage and make the neighbors jealous.)
[Yeah.]

If I had a billion dollars
(If I had $1,000,000,000)
I would not be rich then
At best, I'd be upper-mi'l class)
[If] I had twenty billion dollars
(I had $20,000,000,000)
I'd buy you an entire zoo
(Yup, like the Bronx or the Griffith)
[If] I had half-a-billion dollars (I had $500,000,000)
I could buy a sports arena
(And name it the "In Debt Forum")
If I had two billion dollars
I'd buy Courtney Lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ove

If I had three million dollars
(That means I've only won the Lottery)
If I had ten million dollars
(I had won the World Series of Poker)
If I had half-million dollars
(Maybe the Publisher's Clearing House...)

[Or that thing Ed McMahon has been plugging for fifty years.]
(Does he still do that? I thought he passed it off to Dick Clark.)
[Of course, we'll never win that anyway because...]
(Yeah, we never subscribe to those magazines.)
[Total waste of time.]
(Stick with the Lottery...)

If I had a trillion dollars
(If I had $1,000,000,000,000)
I'd start a space program
(With some help from Sir...Richard Branson)
If I had six trillion dollars
(If I had $6,000,000,000,000)
I'd pay the Iraqi war
(Though estimates say nine tril)
If I had ten trillion dollars
(If I had $10,000,000,000,000)
I'd buy the Nation'l Debt
(Though I couldn't pay off the interest)
If I had some trillion dollars
I'd buy the wo-o-o-o-o-o-o-orld!

But I don't have a trillion dollars
(And I don't have a billion dollars)
And I don't have a million dollars)
(Nor do I have a thousand dollars)
And I don't have a hundred do-o-llarrrrrrrrrrrrs...

Cause I'm broke!