A man walks to first base and says, Why am I such a bad player now,
Why am I such a bad player, and why can't I hit the stupid ball?
Something needs to happen, something needs to be better,
Maybe I could practice a little, but why would I want to do that?
Why don't we make a deal, we'll make my best friend the umpire,
I can pay him twenty bucks, and he can make me millions,

If you'll be my referee, I will be your secret pal,
You distract the other team, I'll run to home plate and you can't call me out,

Let's get the other guy fired first, I'll go over his house,
Oops, I accidentally broke my back, Now I'll file a lawsuit,
Nobody cares about him anymore, But my best friend cares about baseball,
And he'll be an honest umpire, Just stick him out in the field and see,

If you'll be my referee, I will be your secret pal,
You distract the other team, I'll run to home plate and you can't call me out,

First game they were winning by forty runs, all of a sudden their pitcher died,
Second game the fans threw tomatoes, third game they shouted obscenities,
The other teams got irritated, couldn't concentrate on their playing,
But we're far from aggravated, cause we've got a billion dollars,

If you'll be my referee, I will be your secret pal,
You distract the other team, I'll run to home plate and you can't call me out!