I say, I'm hoarse right here
Into my doctor's ear
He shoots back with a question, "Son,
Are you queer?"
Say no, heck no,
I'm straight as a stick, my ho
Sure could verify it's no..and show..you so

Not gay...I say..
No guy made me hoarse today
Don't do homosexual play..no way..Jose

Then he peers down my throat
And hands me a small note
He says, "take this prescription..
It's one I wrote."

Mouthwash...to slosh..
Made in Wis-con-sin, Oshkosh
Printed from a MacIntosh..by gosh! by gosh!

So on my way home, just..
Stop by the pharmacist
Tells me take a number.. I'm tenth on the list
I sit...I sat...this guy is a real slow cat
I think his name is Matt...the rat...I spat!

(Ain't no queer, I'm only hoarse right here..)

Some greeting cards look fine,
I need a valentine
It's February fourteenth, and wife's divine
Good chance, good chance,
To make our romance advance,

(Valentine! I find a good one here)

But what about my ho? Should buy her one, I know
I'll just give her a sucker, a symbolic show..
She'll laugh..and laugh..
The next time she does my staff
She'll do the math..

My pharmacist calls ten,
And so I'm off again
Travel home and hide the cards inside my den
Such class, real class
Test of debonair, I'll pass
With wife and lass..

But at the truth, I'm short,
I call my gay friend, Mort
Set up a rendezvous
For a little sport
Gargle quart..
No longer hoarse right here..

Don't have no hoarse right here