I am the soul of one who has departed
Here at my fun'ral where sad folks attend
Let me correct one misconception - here
In a better place, no sir,
Not a better place, no mam,
That's a fallacy that needs a mend..
There's a better place,
There's a better place,
There are lots of better places, out there, friend

Down at the tavern's one for an example,
Or almost any other place I've been
The Lord above made booze for us to sample - so
Bar's a better place, yes sir,
Bar's a better place, yes mam,
You can't fill those churches without sin
Bar's a better place,
Bar's a better place,
If there'd been a bed in back, I'd have moved in

There are good places on street corners,
But brothels are a better place - to have good luck
A last resort is that ol' gal I married
But only, if I need some dinner cooked
In bed with that old woman was real scary - but
Still a better place to be,
Slightly better place to be,
Than this lie down in the devil's nook
Yup, a better place,
Oh, a better place
And a better route than this old hearse just took
In a better place,
In a better place,
In a better place, ain't where I'm stuck...

The Lord above made man to help his neighbor
I helped my neighbor on her mem'ry foam
The Lord above meant man to help his neighbor - and
Found a little better place,
'Neath her negligee of lace,
Till that night when her old man came home
Not a better place, weren't a better place,
Not a better place to be - his gun was chrome!
That bullet taught me a new virtue;
Don't go to someone else's place - and fill his space!

I paid the price of one who goes philandrin'
And made my wife a widow - I'm a lout!
I ditched my own dear goose to do some ganderin' - now
In a better place, I'm not
Doomed to waste away and rot
For the lilies I'll be just a sprout,
In a better place, no sir
In a better place, no mam
Any place is better than this southern route
Not a better place,
Not a better place,
Ain't a better place, but can't crawl out!

My soul's aware of all these sad surroundings,
And mourners words aren't music to my ear
Inside my head, that old cliche' keeps sounding - but
Ain't a better place, no sir
Not a better place, no mam
Any place is better than right here...
Not a better place,
Not a better place,
If I could talk I'd make it clear..
Not a better place,
Ain't a better place,
Shove this better place right up your blinkin' rear!