I'm a humper every morning,
I strike without a warning,
When love blossoms unfurl
But it would passion me much more so
If my fantasy had torso,
If I only had a girl..

Wouldn't need to rape the mattress,
Clone poor old Cleopat-tress
I'd shag like Milton Berle..
Twice as hard as armadillos,
Stop french kissin' feather pillows,
If I only had a girl..

Perhaps a virgin sweet, or even some cheap whore
I could sink in things where I've not sunk before,
I'd have a drink and then I'd sink some more..

I'd feel a little moisture,
Start opening the oyster,
Go searching for a pearl..
Let him rest, my pet canary,
And maybe even dong-a-cherry
If I only had a girl..

< - - - - - - - - ->

I'd give up that old thawed chicken,
Kissing grapes and bedpost lickin'
Stuff I learned from Uncle Earl..
Skip marshmallows and jello
Be a less perverted fellow,
If I only had a girl..

I could watch goosepimples ripple
On somebody elses nipple
Stop voyeur-ing a squirrel..
Divorce that hunk'a liver,
Feel real molecules a'quiver,
If I only had a girl..

Might even take a bath, and use stuff not to snore
Stop disgusting things I used to do before
Maybe she'd think me not a bore

I'd retire my mink mitten,
Angelina and Brad-Pitt-in,
Unspring the broom wig's curl
Not hug that rubber girdle,
Be more like Tommy Turtle,
If I only...had a....girl.

If I only had a girl

(Thanks for the idea, Tommy)