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Song Parodies -> "A Bone Is What I Wanted For A Bit Of Osteology"

Original Song Title:

"I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General"

Original Performer:

Gilbert & Sullivan

Parody Song Title:

"A Bone Is What I Wanted For A Bit Of Osteology"

Parody Written by:

Andy Primus

The Lyrics

This parody is done to match the Delacorte Theater version with George Rose as the MG (from YouTube).
(There are other versions – this is the one where he is wearing a white uniform with a red sash).

All words or phrases marked with * have a meaning listed in the table below the parody.
A lot of UK slang will mean something completely different to someone from the US.
Some words have been added because they can have other, more obvious, meanings as well.
There are a few pacing anomalies in the song that are also explained below the parody.


A bone is what I wanted for a bit of *osteology
I *nicked a corpse an’ now I dabble; interest: *topology
I peel the skins off each arm and I cut the soft *endosteum
With *marrow in, it’s all inside the harder *periosteum

It’s very swell: the marrow goo; the matter’s in *trabecular
The bit they call the *stroma has the tissue that’s *reticular
Of “type three collagen” make-up, it’s teeming with a lot o’ cells
(Spoken line)
Ooh, lot o’ cells, lot o’ cells…love it!
(Resume singing)
I’m into boring facts; I’m wrong an’ square; I’ve got a lot o’ smells

(I’m into boring tax, an’ *Gong; unfair: not had a lot o’ belles)
(I’m into boring *macs; I *pong; despair: don’t get a lot o’ “swells”)
(I’m into boring slacks; too long I wear; they’re bad: they have a lot o’ smells)

The marrow glop is integral in makin’ loads o’ *thrombocytes
It also makes prolific cells, that store the fat, called *lipocytes
An’ then there are the *macrophages; debris, they *phagocytose
I wonder if they taste ‘em, whether *pathogens are *acetose

(Although the cells are microscopic, debris they phagocytose)
(*Asunder, once they waste ‘em; they can handle quite a *massy dose)

-----

I’ve got the *stiff in front o’ me; from feet I pulled some smelly socks
The meat: I’ll try to sell it; maybe see it cooked in deli woks
I’m breakin’ *metatarsals: I’ve no skills; I’m full o’ the sloppyness
I’m bashing ‘em some more; his distal *phalanges have floppyness

I…can tell the corpse is breakin’ down: had *rigor’d limbs, now *sloughy knees
I make the choking noise as, from his guts, I catch a *guffy breeze
The guy can *hum; a fog all rich; now turd an’ *mucus in a pour
(Spoken line)
Ooh, in a pour, in a pour…horrid!
(Resume singing)
I bristle, with despair, an’ grab my dear ol’ wife’s new pinafore

(The piss’ll mar, beware; I’ve grabbed my dear ol’ wife’s new pinafore)
(So, this’ll make her flare; she’s had to toss ‘em in the bin *afore)
(The diss’ll make her swear; she’s often hit me on the chin, or shin, afore)

Now I dig out an ankle bone: the fabby middle *cuneiform
And try to tell the diff’rence from a wrist (or *carpal) *lentiform
An’ now, removal of the carpals: *capitate and *trapezoid
His end of arm is floppy; now they’re missin’, there’s a gappy void

(The wife’s approval: bonkin’ corpses; couldn’t wait: this *chappie toyed)
(His end: a charm, but gloppy; so no kissin’; there’s a crappy ‘rhoid)

-----

I’ve cracked a *zygomatic bone; his *mandible is wobblin’
His eyes are mush: no sight; a Franken-monster: won’t be cobblin’
His *concha bones are nasal, turbinated and inferior
I’ll dig on through, intensely, to the meat of the interior

Now I have snapped his *vomer; I’m dismayed that it’s so crum-bl-y
I can’t do more than hack bits: I’m a novice, an’ I’m fum-bl-y
A quart is what I’m guz-zl-ing; a belly full of Tennessee
(Spoken line)
Ooh, I say, not as good as that, er, Hennessy; wait…(glug, glug, glug, glug)…ready!
(Resume singing)
My knife: a slitter; cocked: he ain’t no more; a *sneck in, then, a she

(My wife is bitter: socked me on the jaw; she’s lookin’ menacy)
(My wife: a hitter; knocked me to the floor; she’s hookin’, then a knee)
(My wife is fitter; rocked me to the core; she’s cookin’; then a *tenor, me)

She’s a filly with a skill edge; I’m unlucky: wed a fighter chick
Her moanin’ gets me down, an’ when she’s saying that I’m quite a prick
I dig my hobby; she protested; had enough, she threw a look
My head was in a fuddle; then the snidey cow, she threw a hook

(A *pig, or *bobby: he arrested; baddie stuff; they threw a book)
(My head is in a muddle; I’m inside, an’ now I’m through: a crook)


A few points on pacing anomalies – don’t know if all versions are the same:
(a-BOUT bi-NO-mi-al THEO-rem) = (Of “type three collagen” make-up)
(all the CRIMES of HE-li-o-GAB-a-lus) = (I’ve no skills; I’m full o’ the sloppyness)
(I…can TELL un-DOUBT-ed RAPH-a-ELS) = (I can tell the corpse is breakin’ down)
(for my MIL-i-TAR-y KNOW-ledge) = (She’s a filly with a skill edge)
There are 2 extra syllables (in the last lines only) in each section of triple repeated lines (in brackets)

Osteology = the study of the structure and function of the skeleton
Nick = steal
Topology = the way in which constituent parts are interrelated or arranged
Endosteum = connective tissue which lines the cavities within bones
Periosteum = connective tissue which lines the outside of bones
Marrow = soft fatty substance, found in bone cavities, in which blood cells are produced
Trabecular = trabecular bone is the soft inner area of bones - cortical bone is the hard outer area of bones

Stroma = the supportive tissue of bone marrow
Reticular = the stroma is made of reticular connective tissue (made of type III collagen)
Gong = 60’s & 70’s hippy band
Mac = a waterproof overcoat (Mackintosh)
Pong = smell strongly and unpleasantly
Thrombocytes = platelets that circulate in the blood, and cause bleeding to stop
Lipocytes = fat storing cells (found all over the body - even inside bones)
Macrophages = white blood cells that envelop, and then destroy, pathogens and cellular debris

Phagocytose = to envelop, and then destroy, pathogens and cellular debris -
pronunciation: fag'u-sī"tōs - rhymes with dose (of medicine) – can also be pronounced -toze

Pathogen = bacterium, virus or other microorganism that can cause disease
Acetose = sour - pronunciation: ac′•e-tōs - rhymes with dose (of medicine)
Asunder = in separate parts or pieces
Massy dose = macrophages can destroy more than 100 bacteria during their life cycle
Stiff = dead body
Metatarsals = long bones of the feet - located between the tarsals (ankle bones) & the phalanges (toe bones)

Phalanges = toe/finger bones - 3 types: proximal (inner; 20 of), intermediate (middle; 16 of) & distal (outer; 20 of)

Rigor = rigor mortis (onset around 3 hours after death; full rigor mortis at around 12 hours; ceases around 72 after death)

Slough (pronounced sluff) = shed skin (skin slippage usually occurs on a corpse within the first week)

Guff = an unpleasant smell
Hum = smell unpleasant
Mucus = a slimy substance secreted by the mucous membranes
Afore = before
Cuneiforms = bones of the ankle - 3 types: medial (or first), intermediate (or second) & lateral (or third)

Carpals = wrist bones
Lentiform = the lentiform (or pisiform) bone is one of the carpals (wrist bones)
Capitate = the capitate bone is one of the carpals (wrist bones)
Trapezoid = the trapezoid (or lesser multangular) bone is one of the carpals (wrist bones)
Chappie = man
Zygomatic bone = cheek bone
Mandible = the lower jaw
Concha = the inferior nasal concha (or inferior turbinated bone) - located in the nasal cavity (one on either side)

Vomer = small bone that separates the nasal cavities
Sneck = cut
Tenor = usual reference would be soprano, but it works OK if the parody person was a baritone before the knee

Pig & Bobby = policeman

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Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 8

Voting Breakdown

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User Comments

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Bilbopooh - July 16, 2010 - Report this comment
Epic! Brilliantly done, and oh so educational...
Mark Scotti - July 16, 2010 - Report this comment
You are truly amazing on this OS, Andy! You can conquer the world on it...LOL
Tommy Turtle - July 16, 2010 - Report this comment
Why couldn't we have posted our "boners" on the same day? If only I'd known.... Fave: "smelly socks/deli woks", even though I'd always thought of woks as being more in Asian cooking than in delis -- so wot? Also loved working in "pinafore" - very sly and clever; G&S spinning in their graves -- or are they on your dissection table? Overall, quite a cyte to cee! Quint-essential, x3!
AFW - July 16, 2010 - Report this comment
Reads like a funny medical journal...top job
Old Man Ribber - July 18, 2010 - Report this comment
Funny and educational on so many levels! Also, I may soon need your advice as America seems hell-bent on adopting the British Health Care system. ;D
Andy P - July 19, 2010 - Report this comment
Thanks Bilbo, Mark, TT, AFW & OMR

TT - smelly socks/deli woks was one of my faves too. As well as working in pinafore, did you spot that I kept cuneiform - it was that bit that started me off on the whole idea, although the song cuneiform is the writing style.

OMR - our system's not great because we seem to spend more of the available funds on management than we do on actual health workers. One result is that the smallest problem (changing a light bulb in the storeroom) has to go through 56,874 levels of management before any action is seen. Saying that, at least we don't have to have private insurance. Can't remember the details, but I'm sure I read somewhere that your Pres wants to make insurance compulsory. If I've got that right, what will happen to the people who can't afford it or just won't pay it?
TT - July 19, 2010 - Report this comment
Andy, I did see cuneiform, but having used it myself, and in an implied double-entendre (you kept yours clean, proving you're of better character than I ;), ... it wasn't one of the better rhymes, with "lentiform", though certainly belonged there. So, went with the more clever (and double-rhymed) "smelly socks/deli woks". But it's *all* good, Mate!

To answer your question to OMR, there was initially some talk of jailing people who refused to buy the insurance. That fixes the problem, all right -- inmates get free health care. ;-) (Ebenezer Scrooge chimes in: "Are there no workhouses? No prisons?) ... That was dropped, in favor of a $3900 fine for violators. I have no idea how that figure was arrived at. No one actually knows everything that's in this 5,000-word bill; as the Speaker of the House of Representatives (lower house of Congress), Nancy Pelosi (Democrat, San Francisco) famously appealed, "We have to pass this bill, so that we can find out what's in it".

Yes, I'm as puzzled as you are by that -- I had thought that it was not only possible, but rather good practice, for lawmakers to read laws *before* they vote on them, though the practice of voting without reading appears to be quite common. E. g., former Senator Hillary Clinton (now Secretary of State, and alleged wife of former POTUS Bill Clinton) tried to disavow her 2002 vote in favor of the Iraq War resolution, during the 2008 POTUS campaign, by saying that she hadn't actually read it. Great excuse, Hilly!

It's important to moi, because I'm thinking of canceling my present health insurance and self-insuring, as the price really has gotten out of hand. However, the Government coverage offered has far lower benefits -- higher deductible, higher copay, etc. -- so if I lowered my present (private) benefit level to that offered under the new law, I'd probably not save anything compared to the Gov plan. Which is not surprising, as no one can magically make things cost less; there are a thousand ways to lower health care costs in the US, including (gasp!) people taking more responsibility for their own health. Quit smoking, keep the alcohol intake to the minimum daily requirement (lol), get some exercise.... And you're right; involving Gov simply adds the cost of bureaucracy to what's already there.

I'm going to quote your statement about the British system to a friend who insists that she's spoken to Brits, Canadians, and others who positively love the "national health care" system. Thanks for the ammo. (ammunition)
Andy P @ TT - July 20, 2010 - Report this comment
I'm in favour of NHcare over compulsory insurance any day, I just think that our system could be run more efficiently with fewer managers (but ones that know how to manage) and more doctors/nurses. Another problem is more and more paperwork (to satisfy gov targets), meaning some doctors and nurses spend more time filling out forms than treating patients (same with the police, fire dept, etc, etc, etc - the list goes on and on and on and on).

As for your compulsory insurance, what about someone who lives on the streets and eats their dinner from a dumpster at the back of a fast food joint? They wouldn't have the money to pay it, and fining them would be useless because they couldn't pay that either.
TT - July 20, 2010 - Report this comment
Yes, I did think to myself at the time that anyone who couldn't afford the compulsory insurance, couldn't afford the fine, either. But come on, Andy! -- now we're being "logical". And "logical Government" is an oxymoron. :)

Of course, they could go back to jailing the dumpster-divers, thus giving them free health care ;)

I'm afraid that incompetent management and excessive paperwork are hallmarks of Gov programs -- look at the agency that was "supposed" to be overseeing offshore drilling (you saw those parodies of moi's, right?) -- and we *do* have a Government-paid program for those over 65, called Medicare. The doctors and nurses complain just as you did: spend more time filling out forms than actually practicing medicine; reimbursement is painfully slow; it's riddled with fraud and abuse, etc. So whether it's NHcare or Gov-paid private care, the results are the same -- bad.

This is why some of us, including the principal Founding Father of the US, Thomas Jefferson, who wrote that rather snippy open letter to HM King George (known on this side as the Declaration of Independence -- hey, no hard feelings! We're all cool now!), say, "That government is best that governs least." There is a problem here, but none of these are the answer. Cheers.

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