"The problem is these are things I dread", she said to me
“Behaviours: disturbing, per-formed pathologically
It’s like that in my house I’m just a detainee”
There must be fifty ways to peeve your mother

She said “I fear I’ve nursed some vipers in my brood;
Motherhood is so demeaning when posterity is crude;
I would delete my whelps if keystrokes could just be used”
There must be fifty ways to peeve your mother
Fifty ways to peeve your mother

Don’t pick up your clothes, Rose
Don’t get a job, Bob
Oh don't clean up your room, June
Or finish your tea
Be sure to cuss, Gus
Them’s words she just loves much
Just argue with glee, Dee
Don’t ever agree

Keep makin’ long calls, Paul
Get caught with porn, Norm
Leave all the lights on, Dawn
‘Lectricity’s free
Miss the school bus, Gus
And watch her just fuss thus
Keep losin’ your keys - gee!
And watchin’ TV

She said “Reprieve is not in sight until eighteen
And then there are some things they still do to make you riled again”
She said: “I won’t bitch about nought, but could you please refrain
From your unthrifty ways?”

She said “Sometimes I just must weep or I’ll ignite;
And I’m aggrieved that this spawn of mine elicits such a fright
My kids dismiss me and I feel like a bad domestic blight”
There must be fifty ways to peeve your mother
Fifty ways to peeve your mother

Try sniffin’ some smack, Zac
Miss the trash can, Jan
You get caught with your snake, Jake
Leave out DVDs
Try to rebel, Belle
You keep giving her hell, Nell
Grow silly goatee, Lee
She won’t disagree?

Be a sad sack, Jack
Stay out way late, Kate
You just need to complain, Wayne
But life isn’t free...
Start calling her names, James
Don’t want her to stay sane
Just please humour me, Bree
And play with your peas...